Funny Jokes

The Gay in the Bar

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:32:36 +0000

A gay guy walks into a bar and says “bartender give me a brewskie.”The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.”The gay continues, “I’ll just sit in the corner and drink my beer and won’t say anything.”The bartender says, “Well, all right!” and pours a beer.A while later a cowboy walks in and says “Bartender give me a beer! I’m so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cow’s balls” A voice is heard from the corner. “Moo! Moo! Buckaroo!”

The Unhappy Nun

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:32:36 +0000

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company’s complaint department to ask for help.”The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.”, said the nun.”Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.”, said the company spokeswoman.Mother superior then observed, “I think the term they actually use is ‘fucking shovel!’”.

Two Rednecks

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:32:36 +0000

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said “lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a poll-ice roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!” Don’t worry, Bubba”, Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat”. “What fer?”, asked Bubba. “Just let me do the talkin’, OK?”, said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinkin’?” “No, sir”, said Earl. “We’re on the patch”!

The pop machine.

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:32:36 +0000

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. “Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?” She looked at him and indignantly replied: “Well Duhhh!, I’m still winning”

Blonde on Horseback

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:32:36 +0000

A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, butshe slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

FBI Agent for Hire

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:32:36 +0000

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said “To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.” The man took the gun, hesitated, and said “Sorry, I can’t do it.”The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said “To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.” The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. “Sorry,” he said.The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said “To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.” The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming. The man came out of the room and said “Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!”

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:32:36 +0000

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.10. “Sorry I’m a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore.”9. “Show me how you used to spank her.”8. “Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter.”7. “Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?”6. “I just got my license today.”5. “I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped memature.”4. “Five bucks says she’s a D-cup.”3. “Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?”2. “Hi. I’m Robert, but my friends call me ‘Back Door Bob.’”1. “So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?

The Cremation

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:32:36 +0000

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down nextto the grieving widow. “How old was your husband?” he asked.”He was ninety-eight,” she answered softly. “Two years older than Iam.”"Really?” the undertaker said. “Hardly worth going home, wouldn’tyou say?”

The morning after

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:32:35 +0000

Bob woke up after the annual office Christmas party with apounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recallthe events of the preceding evening. After a trip to thebathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put somecoffee in front of him.”Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was itas bad as I think?”"Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made acomplete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing theentire board of directors and you insulted the president ofthe company, right to his face.”"He’s an idiot,” Bob said. “Piss on him!” “You did,” came thereply. “And he fired you.”"Well, screw him!” said Bob. “I did. You’re back at work onMonday.”

Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:32:35 +0000

December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.December 5 Grind lenses for new eyeglasses.December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.December 7 Debug Windows ’98December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.December 11 Lay Faberge egg.December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house.December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.December 17 Blow glass Christmas tree ornaments. Cut tree in Montana.December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank.December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas.December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Scent manger with homemade potpourri.December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God.December 28 Say it is good. Rest for five minutes.December 29 Dig up sand from quarry and make new chips for my four computers.December 30 Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on lawn, and spell out Happy New Year as a greeting to my friends on the MIR space station.December 31 New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call one friend in each time zone of the world as the calendar changes.January 1 Stay out of jail.