Funny Jokes » Christmas Jokes

A Martha Stewart Christmas

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:44 +0000

|Dear Santa:I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don’t need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.I want to slap Martha Stewart.Now, hear me out, Santa. I won’t scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don’t grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you’ll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren’t concerned with gracious living.We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We’re tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold. We’re plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it’s of the furniture polish variety. We can’t whip up Martha’s creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can’t even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.OK, Santa, maybe you think I’m being a little harsh. But I’ll bet with all the holiday rush you didn’t catch that interview with Martha in last week’s USA Weekend. I’m surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she’s only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, “I don’t have a microwave.”The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this “in a tone that suggests you shouldn’t either.”Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I’ve learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell “overkill”? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher that qualifies as “put away” in my house!Martha tells us she’s already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. “Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone,” she boasts. Not just scarves mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha’s obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.She goes on to tell us that “homemaking is glamour for the 90s,” and says her most glamorous friends are “interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel.” I have one piece of advice, Martha: “Get new friends.”Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America’s 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).The proof of Martha’s influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, “People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone.” I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.A guest in Martha’s home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast.This confirms what I’ve suspected about Martha all along: She’s obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn’t cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, “Don’t envy me. I’m doing this because I’m a natural teacher. You shouldn’t envy teachers. You should listen to them.” Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha’s ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn’t be held back. “Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards,” says Martha.And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an “important presence” as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives. There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it’s Martha Stewart. But I bet I won’t get my gift this year.You probably want to smack her yourself.

The twelve days after Christmas

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:44 +0000

|The first day after ChristmasMy true love and I had a fightAnd so I chopped the pear tree downAnd burnt it, just for spite Then with a single cartridgeI shot that blasted partridge My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. The second day after ChristmasI pulled on the old rubber glovesAnd very gently wrung the necksOf both the turtle doves My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. On the third day after ChristmasMy mother caught the croupI had to use the three French hensTo make some chicken soup The four calling birds were a big mistake For their language was obsceneThe five golden rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green. The sixth day after ChristmasThe six laying geese wouldn’t laySo I sent the whole darn gaggle to theA.S.P.C.A. My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. On the seventh day, what a mess I found The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned.The eighth day after ChristmasBefore they could suspectI bundled up theEight maids-a-milkingNine ladies dancingTen lords-a-leapingEleven pipers pipingTwelve drummers drummingAnd sent them back collectI wrote my true love”We are through, love!”And I said in so many words”Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!” Four calling birds,Three French hens,Two turtle dovesAnd a partridge in a pear tree!”

Santa’s Pet Peeves

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:44 +0000

|Department Store Santa Peeves8. Kids who refuse to believe that it’s fruitcake on your breath and not gin.7. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.6. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from “Crime Watch” 5. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask 4. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School 3. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes 2. Kids who don’t understand that Santa’s been a little jittery since he got back from ‘Nam1. Two words: lap rash

Italian Night Before Christmas

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:44 +0000

|Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mella, Not a creature was stirrin’, Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.When up on da roof I heard somethin’ pound, I sprung to da window, To scream, “YO! Keep it down!”When what to my Wanderin’ eyes should appear, But da Don of all elfs, And eight friggin’ reindeer!Wit’ slicked back black hair, And a silk red suit, don Christopher wuz here, And he brought da loot!Wit’ a slap to dare snouts, And a yank on dare manes, He cursed and he shouted, And he called dem by name.”Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito, Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!”As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed, He flew troo da winda And slapped me ‘side da head.”What da heck you doin’ Pullin’ a gun on da Don? Now all you’re gettin’ is coal, You friggin’ moron!”Den pointin’ a fat finga Right unda my nose, He twisted his pinky ring, And up da chimney he rose.He sprang to his sleigh, Obscenities screamin’, Away dey all flew, Before he troo dem a beatin’.Den I heard him yell out, What I did least expect, “Merry Friggin’ Christmas to all, And yous better show some respect!”

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:44 +0000

|A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. “I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.”No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied. “No, I’m sure it was just rain, he said.” Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. “Let’s not fight about it,” the man said, “let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing.”As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?” “It’s raining, of course,” he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: “I know that felt like snow!” To which the man quietly replied: “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”

Revised Christmas days

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:44 +0000

|Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” subsidiary: 1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance 2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated 3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French 4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. 5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order 6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one 7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement 8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching 9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps 10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year 11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing”), a decision is pending. Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Without a Christmas bonus

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:44 +0000

|Ten signs you’re not getting a christmas bonus10. Co-workers refer to you as “the ghost of unemployment future” 9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial 8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips 7. What you call “my new office,” everybody else calls “the supply closet” 6. Boss’s Christmas card says, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out” 5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants 4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies 3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw 2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word “terrible” appeared 78 times 1. You’re the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

Signs You’ve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:44 +0000

|1. You strike a match and light your nose. 2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad. 3. You hear a duck quacking and it’s you. 4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant. 5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl. 6. You hear someone say, “Call a priest!” 7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall. 8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet. 9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket. 10. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the party’s at your place.11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch. 13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror. 14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear. 15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

Addicted to the Web

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:44 +0000

|(Sung to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’,I’m happy — althoughMy boss let me go –Happily addicted to the Web.All night long, I sit clicking,Unaware time is ticking,There’s beard on my cheek,Same clothes for a week,Happily addicted to the Web!Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, “Yo, man!Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?”With a listless shrug, I mutter “No, man;I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!”I don’t phone, don’t send faxes,Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes,Who cares if somedayThey drag me away?I’m happily addicted to the Web!Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)

Sick of the Holidays

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:44 +0000

|Signs You’re Sick of the Holidays8. You’ve got red and green bags under your eyes 7. You’re serving reindeer pot pie 6. When you hear, “Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin’?,” you scream, “No! I’m not listening!” 5. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun 4. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you. 3. Instead of spending time with family, you’re watching some guy make photo copies 2. You’ve got eggnog coming out of your ears 1. Two words: tinsel rash