Funny Jokes » Irish Jokes

you can blow up the tyres

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:45 +0000

|A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he’s in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, “Fill it up, will you?”. The man says “Sorry – we’re right out of petrol.” So the man considers, and says “Well, I’m a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?” And the attendant responds”Sorry, but no oil either.” The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can’t do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant “Just what kind of petrol station is this ?” The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man “To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front.” The man then says “Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !”

The American tourist in Dublin

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:45 +0000

|The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food. “Here,” he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, “do you call that pig?” “Which end of the fork, sir?” the waitress asked sweetly.

I’ve got the lumber

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:45 +0000

|O’Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he’d been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. “Father, it’s 15 years since my last confession, and I’ve been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years,” he told the priest. “I understand my son,” says the priest. “Can you make a Novena?” O’Toole said, “Father, if you have the plans, I’ve got the lumber.”

In West Kerry

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:45 +0000

|In West Kerry, the wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don’t love me any more….” “Nonsense, darling,” replied the husband, “you cook better now.”

Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:45 +0000

|Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl’s house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn”t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, “What’s that young fella doin’ here all hours of the night?” “Why, Dad, ” said Frances, “Michael was just telling me everything that’s in his heart!” “Well, next time, ” roared Phelan, “just let him tell you what’s in his head, and it won’t take half as long!”

The Boston taxi driver

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:45 +0000

|The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him. “Name?” “Brendan O’Connor.” “Same as mine. Where are you from?” “County Cork.” “Same as me……” The policeman paused with his pen in the air. “Hold on a moment and I’ll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab.”

Where are you callin’ from

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:45 +0000

|Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. “Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!” “Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are you callin’ from?”

Casey married a rich widow

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:45 +0000

|Casey married a rich widow, but they didn’t get along. One day she said to him, “If it wasn’t for my money, that new television wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for my money, that grand piano wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for my money, this house wouldn’t be here.” Casey mumbled, “If it wasn’t for your money, I wouldn’t be here.”

Higgins lived in Staten Island,

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:45 +0000

|Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat. “How did you like that jump, buddy?” said a proud Higgins to a deck hand. “It was great,” said the sailor. “But why didn’t you wait? We were just pulling in!”

The origin of the bagpipes

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:45 +0000

|The origin of the bagpipes was being discussed and the representatives of different nations were eagerly disclaiming responsibility for the instrument. Finally, and Irishman said, “Well, I’ll tell you the truth about it. The Irish invented them and sold them to the Scots as a joke; and the Scots haven’t seen the joke yet!”