Funny Jokes » Mom/Dad Jokes

Term dictionary

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:44 +0000

|Parent’s Dictionary of MeaningsDUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.FULL NAME: what you call your child when you’re mad at him.GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblingsPUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.VERBAL: able to whine in wordsWHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house

Child sent to bed

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:44 +0000

|A small boy is sent to bed by his father…[Five minutes later] “Da-ad…” “What?” “I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?” “No. You had your chance. Lights out.” [Five minutes later] “Da-aaaad…” “WHAT?” “I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??” “I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!” [Five minutes later] “Daaaa-aaaAAAAD…” “WHAT??!!” “When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”

Turned Into a Mom When…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:44 +0000

|You automatically double-knot everything you tie. You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes. You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school! You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce. You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you. You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells. You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, “Mom, why don’t you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?” You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you’ve reached over and started to cut up his steak!

Things Mom Taught Me…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:44 +0000

|My Mother taught me LOGIC…”If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” My Mother taught me MEDICINE…”If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.” My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…”If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!” My Mother taught me ESP…”Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?” My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…”What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!” My Mother taught me HUMOR…”When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…”If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS…”You are just like your father!” My mother taught me about my ROOTS…”Do you think you were born in a barn?” My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…”When you get to be my age, you will understand.” My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…”Just wait until your father gets home.” My mother taught me about RECEIVING…”You are going to get it when we get home.” And, my all-time favorite – JUSTICE…”One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU — then you’ll see what it’s like!”

The pre-birth class

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:44 +0000

|When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: “Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.’” One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook???”

Pass out in shock

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:44 +0000

|The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. “It was enough to make anybody faint,” he said. “My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower.”

Have a first child

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:44 +0000

|A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink.The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.In very tiny letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.”

Great first parent

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:44 +0000

|The First Parent by Bill Cosby Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: “Don’t.” “Don’t what?”, Adam replied. “Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.” “Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?” “It’s over there,” said God, wondering why He hadn’t stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry. “Didn’t I tell you not to eat that fruit?” the First Parent asked. “Uh huh,” Adam replied. “Then why did you?” “I dunno,” Adam answered. God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

My wife is pregnant

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:44 +0000

|A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor queries. “No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her *husband*!”

Mom would never say

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:44 +0000

|Things Mom Would Never Say”How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?” “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too” “Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look more cheery” “Let me smell that shirt — Yeah, it’s good for another week” “Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day” “Well, if Timmy’s mom says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.” “The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a prison around here.” “I don’t have a tissue with me … just use your sleeve” “Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve”