Funny Jokes » Elderly Jokes

Florida driver’s license!

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:43 +0000

|I’ve sure gotten old. I’ve had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.But…..Thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license!

OLD NEVER DIES 4

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:43 +0000

|OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribblingOLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz offOLD BIKERS never die, but they’re hard on tiresOLD BIOLOGISTS never die, they just ferment awayOLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye awayOLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figuresOLD BOOKS never die, they just go out-of-printOLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutterOLD BRAKES never die, they just grind downOLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just lose their finesseOLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just sit around on their fat acesOLD BUDGETS never die, they are fillibusteredOLD BUREAUCRATS never die, they just waste awayOLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal awayOLD BUSINESSES never die, they just get consolidated

When you are young

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:43 +0000

|When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

OLD NEVER DIES 7

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:43 +0000

|OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it HzOLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contactOLD ENERGIZER BUNNIES never die, they go on, and on, and on…OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearingsOLD ENGLISH MAJORS do it with Strunk and WhiteOLD ENVIRONMENTALISTS never die, they are just recycledOLD ESKIMOES never die, they just get cold feetOLD ESKIMOES never die, they just go coldOLD EXORCISTS never die, they just give up the ghostOLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seedOLD FARMERS never die, they just spade awayOLD FATHERS never die, they just become grandfathersOLD FISHERMEN never die, their rods just go limpOLD FISHERMEN never die, they just get reel tiredOLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way

I’m over the hill

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:43 +0000

|We’re over the hill but don’t feel sadThis side of the hill ain’t all that bad.So give us “five” and then a smileTo us who have been here for awhile.With by-pass pain and mended hipAnd plumbing fixtures prone to drip;We all may seem a sorry lot,But we rejoice for what we’ve got.We have each day and what it bringsAnd on our pensions live like kings.For the press that accuses what we takeTo coin a phrase, “Let them eat cake.”We’ve paid our share for unused knowledgeAs the kids are now all done with college.We complain to them about our healthAs they worry about our dwindling wealth.And though our wardrobes may be plainWe’ll suffer no more labor or pain.Now it’s with cane we do our strutAnd if we can’t drive – we still can putt.We’re mean and tough, meet all demands,Why, M&M’s melt in our hands.Yes, we’re still here, and it does delight usThat you join our fight against arthritis.But we ask you make a pledge todayThat you’ll be careful what you say.We have to spread “Over the Hill” fearOr we’ll have those young folks over here.

OLD NEVER DIES 5

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:43 +0000

|OLD FOOTBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go to the end zoneOLD FOOTBALLERS never die, they just kick the bucketOLD FORESTERS never die, they just pine awayOLD FRIDGE REPAIRMEN never die, they just blow their coolOLD FROGS never die, they just croakOLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishesOLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retireOLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalizeOLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolateOLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their driveOLD GRAPHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rezOLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mountOLD HAMS never die, they just get groundedOLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chipsOLD HELSINKI TOURISTS never die, they just vanish into Finn Air

Bathroom troubles

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:43 +0000

|Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, “Fellas, I got real problems. I’m seventy years old. Every morning at seven o’clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps.” The second old man says, “You think you have problems. I’m eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps.” Finally the third old man speaks up, “Fellas: I’m ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up.”

OLD NEVER DIES 6

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:43 +0000

|OLD HIKERS never die, they just trail awayOLD HIPPIES never die, they just smell that wayOLD HOCKEY PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goalOLD HOMEBREWERS never die, they just ferment awayOLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay LOADEDOLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just imagine itOLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippeOLD IMMORTALS [vampires, whatever] never die, they just…don’tOLD INTERPRETERS (for the deaf) never die, they just sign offOLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll overOLD JOKES never die, they just get retold by the youngOLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressedOLD KAYAKERS never die, they just roll back over, and do it againOLD KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die, they just punch outOLD KIDS never die, they just adulterate

Eating some peanuts

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:43 +0000

|There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nusring for the aged would be appropriate. Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man’s first day was going. “How you doing today?”, she said to the old man, “First day I see”. The Old man replied with a nod. In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful. As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, “My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too.” “That’s okay.”, said the old man, “I feel so much better being able to talk to someone.” Looking into the bowl the orderly said, “I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!” The old man responded, “That’s okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow.”

OLD NEVER DIES 8

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:43 +0000

|OLD KIDS never die, they just grow upOLD KNIGHTS IN CHAIN MAIL never die, they just shuffle off their metal coilsOLD LASER PHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherentOLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appealOLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their briefsOLD LIBRARIANS never die, their computers have Fatal ErrorsOLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just check outOLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just get re-shelvedOLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just lose their referencesOLD LIGHT BULBS never die, they just blink outOLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go underOLD LINGUISTS never die, they just rearrange their deep structuresOLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappearOLD MAGICIANS never die, they just float awayOLD MAGICIANS never die, they just make a big production of it