Funny Jokes » Job/Office Jokes

Stock market report

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:42 +0000

|Today’s Stock Market Report: Helium was up, feathers were down.Paper was stationary.Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.Knives were up sharply.Cows steered into a bull market.Pencils lost a few points.Hiking equipment was trailing.Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.Weights were up in heavy trading.Light switches were off.Mining equipment hit rock bottom.Diapers remained unchanged.Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.The market for raisins dried up.Coca Cola fizzled.Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.Sun peaked at midday.Balloon prices were inflated.Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

An old occupation

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:42 +0000

|What happens when people of different occupations get old.- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.- Old investors never die, they just roll over.- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor…- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.- Old owls never die, they just don’t give a hoot.- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.- Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on….- Old printers never die, they’re just not the type.- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.- Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.- Old students never die, they just get degraded.- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.- Walt Disney didn’t die. He’s in suspended animation.- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

Photographer works

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:42 +0000

|There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk – the ghost which `lived’ there was feared by all.However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost “I mean no harm – I just want your photograph”. The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines – he posed for a number of ghostly shots.The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.So what’s the moral of the story?The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

How all careers end

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:42 +0000

|How careers end… Lawyers are disbarred. Ministers are defrocked. Electricians are delighted. Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented. Drunks are distilled. Alpine climbers are dismounted. Piano tuners are unstrung. Orchestra leaders are disbanded. Artists’ models are deposed. Cooks are deranged. Dressmakers are unbiased. Nudists are redressed. Office clerks are defiled. Mediums are dispirited. Programmers are decoded. Accountants are discredited. Holy people are disgraced. Pastry chefs are deserted. Perfume makers are dissented. Butterfly collectors are debugged. Students are degraded. Electricians are refused. Bodybuilders are rebuffed. Underwear models are debriefed Painters are discolored. Spinsters are dismissed. Judges are disappointed. Vegas dealers are discarded. Mathematicians are discounted. Tree surgeons disembark.

Describe professions

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:42 +0000

|What does your profession say about you?1. MARKETING – You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.2. SALES – Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree.” You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can “concentrate on the big picture.” You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.3. TECHNOLOGY – Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.4. ENGINEERING – One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest “ergo dynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel syndrome.”5. ACCOUNTING – The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.6. HUMAN RESOURCES – Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT – Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers” as everyone in you social circle is a “Middle Manager.”8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT – (See above – Same sign, different title)9. CUSTOMER SERVICE – Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service.” Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.10. CONSULTANT – Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your “skills” are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.11. RECRUITER, “HEADHUNTER” – As a “person” that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO – You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.13. GOVERNMENT WORKER – Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job… Thus the term “GO POSTAL”

Letters to a landlord

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:42 +0000

|Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlordsThe toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand? I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much. When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife’s new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

Changed HR policies

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:42 +0000

|Casual Fridays:Week 1 – Memo No. 1Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.Week 3 – Memo No. 2Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. Week 6 – Memo No. 3Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday’s wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. Week 8 – Memo No. 4A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory. Week 9 – Memo No. 5As an outgrowth of Friday’s seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.Week 14 – Memo No. 6The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled “Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards.” A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter “You Are What You Wear” and consult the “home casual” versus “business casual” checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.Week 18 – Memo No. 7Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.Week 20 – Memo No. 8Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.

Old local blacksmith

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:42 +0000

|An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. “Don’t ask me a lot of questions,” he told the boy. “Just do whatever I tell you to do.” One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. “Get the hammer over there,” he said. “When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard.” Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

Drummer problems

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:42 +0000

|A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve.Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”

Pick a starting salary

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:42 +0000

|Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?” The candidate said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The HR Person said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?” The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow!!! Are you kidding?” And the HR Person said, “Certainly, …but you started it.”