Funny Jokes » Stats/Math Jokes

Refrigerate elephants

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:39 +0000

|Analysis:1. Differentiate it and put into the refrig. Then integrate it in the refrig.2. Redefine the measure on the referigerator (or the elephant).3. Apply the Banach-Tarsky theorem.Number theory:1. First factorize, second multiply.2. Use induction. You can always squeeze a bit more in.Algebra:1. Step 1. Show that the parts of it can be put into the refrig. Step 2. Show that the refrig. is closed under the addition.2. Take the appropriate universal refrigerator and get a surjection from refrigerator to elephant.Topology:1. Have it swallow the refrig. and turn inside out.2. Make a refrig. with the Klein bottle.3. The elephant is homeomorphic to a smaller elephant.4. The elephant is compact, so it can be put into a finite collection of refrigerators. That’s usually good enough.5. The property of being inside the referigerator is hereditary. So, take the elephant’s mother, cremate it, and show that the ashes fit inside the refrigerator.6. For those who object to method 3 because it’s cruel to animals. Put the elephant’s BABY in the refrigerator.Algebraic topology:Replace the interior of the refrigerator by its universal cover, R^3.Linear algebra:1. Put just its basis and span it in the refrig.2. Show that 1% of the elephant will fit inside the refrigerator. By linearity, x% will fit for any x.Affine geometry:There is an affine transformation putting the elephant into the refrigerator.Set theory:1. It’s very easy! Refrigerator = { elephant } 2) The elephant and the interior of the refrigerator both have cardinality c.Geometry:Declare the following:Axiom 1. An elephant can be put into a refrigerator.Complex analysis:Put the refrig. at the origin and the elephant outside the unit circle. Then get the image under the inversion.Numerical analysis:1. Put just its trunk and refer the rest to the error term.2. Work it out using the Pentium.Statistics:1. Bright statistician. Put its tail as a sample and say “Done.”2. Dull statistician. Repeat the experiment pushing the elephant to the refrig.3. Our NEW study shows that you CAN’T put the elephant in the refrigerator.

Equal positive integers

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:39 +0000

|Theorem: All positive integers are equal.Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.Proceed by induction.If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. So A = B.Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.

Two plus two is five

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:39 +0000

|”First and above all he was a logician. At least thirty-five years of the half-century or so of his existence had been devoted exclusively to proving that two and two always equal four, except in unusual cases, where they equal three or five, as the case may be.” — Jacques Futrelle, “The Problem of Cell 13″Most mathematicians are familiar with — or have at least seen references in the literature to — the equation 2 + 2 = 4. However, the less well known equation 2 + 2 = 5 also has a rich, complex history behind it. Like any other complex quantitiy, this history has a real part and an imaginary part; we shall deal exclusively with the latter here.Many cultures, in their early mathematical development, discovered the equation 2 + 2 = 5. For example, consider the Bolb tribe, descended from the Incas of South America. The Bolbs counted by tying knots in ropes. They quickly realized that when a 2-knot rope is put together with another 2-knot rope, a 5-knot rope results.Recent findings indicate that the Pythagorean Brotherhood discovered a proof that 2 + 2 = 5, but the proof never got written up. Contrary to what one might expect, the proof’s nonappearance was not caused by a cover-up such as the Pythagoreans attempted with the irrationality of the square root of two. Rather, they simply could not pay for the necessary scribe service. They had lost their grant money due to the protests of an oxen-rights activist who objected to the Brotherhood’s method of celebrating the discovery of theorems. Thus it was that only the equation 2 + 2 = 4 was used in Euclid’s “Elements,” and nothing more was heard of 2 + 2 = 5 for several centuries.Around A.D. 1200 Leonardo of Pisa (Fibonacci) discovered that a few weeks after putting 2 male rabbits plus 2 female rabbits in the same cage, he ended up with considerably more than 4 rabbits. Fearing that too strong a challenge to the value 4 given in Euclid would meet with opposition, Leonardo conservatively stated, “2 + 2 is more like 5 than 4.” Even this cautious rendition of his data was roundly condemned and earned Leonardo the nickname “Blockhead.” By the way, his practice of underestimating the number of rabbits persisted; his celebrated model of rabbit populations had each birth consisting of only two babies, a gross underestimate if ever there was one.Some 400 years later, the thread was picked up once more, this time by the French mathematicians. Descartes announced, “I think 2 + 2 = 5; therefore it does.” However, others objected that his argument was somewhat less than totally rigorous. Apparently, Fermat had a more rigorous proof which was to appear as part of a book, but it and other material were cut by the editor so that the book could be printed with wider margins.Between the fact that no definitive proof of 2 + 2 = 5 was available and the excitement of the development of calculus, by 1700 mathematicians had again lost interest in the equation. In fact, the only known 18th-century reference to 2 + 2 = 5 is due to the philosopher Bishop Berkeley who, upon discovering it in an old manuscript, wryly commented, “Well, now I know where all the departed quantities went to — the right-hand side of this equation.” That witticism so impressed California intellectuals that they named a university town after him.But in the early to middle 1800′s, 2 + 2 began to take on great significance. Riemann developed an arithmetic in which 2 + 2 = 5, paralleling the Euclidean 2 + 2 = 4 arithmetic. Moreover, during this period Gauss produced an arithmetic in which 2 + 2 = 3. Naturally, there ensued decades of great confusion as to the actual value of 2 + 2. Because of changing opinions on this topic, Kempe’s proof in 1880 of the 4-color theorem was deemed 11 years later to yield, instead, the 5-color theorem. Dedekind entered the debate with an article entitled “Was ist und was soll 2 + 2?”Frege thought he had settled the question while preparing a condensed version of his “Begriffsschrift.” This condensation, entitled “Die Kleine Begriffsschrift (The Short Schrift),” contained what he considered to be a definitive proof of 2 + 2 = 5. But then Frege received a letter from Bertrand Russell, reminding him that in “Grundbeefen der Mathematik” Frege had proved that 2 + 2 = 4. This contradiction so discouraged Frege that he abandoned mathematics altogether and went into university administration.Faced with this profound and bewildering foundational question of the value of 2 + 2, mathematicians followed the reasonable course of action: they just ignored the whole thing. And so everyone reverted to 2 + 2 = 4 with nothing being done with its rival equation during the 20th century. There had been rumors that Bourbaki was planning to devote a volume to 2 + 2 = 5 (the first forty pages taken up by the symbolic expression for the number five), but those rumor remained unconfirmed. Recently, though, there have been reported computer-assisted proofs that 2 + 2 = 5, typically involving computers belonging to utility companies. Perhaps the 21st century will see yet another revival of this historic equation.The above was written by Houston Euler.

Numbers equal zero

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:39 +0000

|Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.Proof: Suppose that a=b. Thena = ba^2 = aba^2 – b^2 = ab – b^2(a + b)(a – b) = b(a – b)a + b = ba = 0Furthermore if a + b = b, and a = b, then b + b = b, and 2b = b, which mean that 2 = 1.

Debate about the box

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:39 +0000

|An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it’s a pretty good working solution. “No no,” says the physicist, “there’s a better way.” He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.Then the mathematician speaks up: “No, no, there’s an even better way.” To the others’ amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:”I define myself to be on the outside.”

Three is equal to four

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:39 +0000

|Theorem: 3=4Proof:Suppose:a + b = cThis can also be written as:4a – 3a + 4b – 3b = 4c – 3cAfter reorganizing:4a + 4b – 4c = 3a + 3b – 3cTake the constants out of the brackets:4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)Remove the same term left and right:4 = 3

Story about infinity

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:39 +0000

|A very large mathematical convention was held in Las Vegas. The conventioneers filled two hotels, each with an infinite number of rooms. The hotels were across the street from each other and were owned by brothers. One evening, while everyone was out at a bar-b-que, one of the hotels burned to the ground. The brothers got together and worked out a plan. In the remaining hotel, they moved all guests to twice their room number — room 101 moved to 202, room 1234 moved to room 2468, etc. Then all the odd number rooms were empty, and there were an infinite number of odd rooms. So the guests from the other hotel moved into them

Dollars equal cents

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:39 +0000

|Theorem: 1$ = 1c.Proof:And another that gives you a sense of money disappearing.1$ = 100c= (10c)^2= (0.1$)^2= 0.01$= 1cHere $ means dollars and c means cents. This one is scary in that I have seen PhD’s in math who were unable to see what was wrong with this one. Actually I am crossposting this to sci.physics because I think that the latter makes a very nice introduction to the importance of keeping track of your dimensions.

The math one-liners

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:39 +0000

|Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]. If parallel lines meet at infinity – infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!Maths Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x…Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my statistics class: it would seem so much longer.

Dollars equal ten cents

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:39 +0000

|Theorem: 1$ = 10 centProof:We know that $1 = 100 centsDivide both sides by 100$ 1/100 = 100/100 cents=> $ 1/100 = 1 centTake square root both side=> squr($1/100) = squr (1 cent)=> $ 1/10 = 1 cent Multiply both side by 10=> $1 = 10 cent