Funny Jokes » Instrument Jokes

Where are we?

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:41 +0000

|Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov, “Where are we?”Rachmaninov said, “Carnegie Hall, sir!”

What’s that sound?

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:41 +0000

|A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper.She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is.The local person replies, “Oh, that is Beethoven. He’s decomposing.”

Arriving in Heaven

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:41 +0000

|Arriving in HeavenThree men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.St. Peter: Hi, what’s your name?Paul: My name is Paul.St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?Paul: 120K.St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?Paul: I was a lawyer.St. Peter: That’s great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what’s your name?Roger: My name is Roger.St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?Roger: 60K.St. Peter: Hey, that’s great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living?Roger: I was an accountant.St. Peter: That’s very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what’s your name?John: My name is John.St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?John: About $23,000.St. Peter: Hey, that’s fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?

Phone songs

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:41 +0000

|All of the following songs may be played on a touch-tone phone. Commas are pauses, and hyphens are held notes.Mary Had A Little Lamb3212333, 222, 399, 3212333322321 or3212333, 222, 133, 3212333322321 Jingle Bells333, 333, 39123, 666-663333322329, 333, 333, 39123, 666-6633, 399621 Frere Jacques1231, 1231, 369, 369, 9*9631, 9*9631, 111, 111 Olympic Fanfare3-9-91231, 2222-32112312, 3-9-91231, 2222-32112321 The Butterfly Song963, 23621, 3693236236932362, 963, 23621 Happy Birthday112, 163, 112, 196, 110, 8521, 008, 121

How to buy a stero

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:40 +0000

|1. Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100.2. The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music.3. The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very cool.4. The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, pre-menstrual-amp, post-amp, post-menopause-amp, etc.)5. The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers and varieties of components pointed at the listener is important. (e.g. tweeters, hooters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, seismic noise generators, etc.)6. The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft; the more knobs and dials you can turn, the better.7. The system should have full remote control capability, including over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home.8. Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the house.9. Components should have a cool names; this means no department store brands.10. The complete set-up should put a major recording studio or large radio station to shame. After all, you may be trying to duplicate the exciting feeling of being at a heavy metal concert in a football stadium with 70,000 screaming fans.11. Having state-of-the-art equipment is not enough. You should be a year or two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete and should be disposed of promptly.12. The most important factor–out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better.

Musician jokes

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:40 +0000

|Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?A: Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand around and say, “I can do that!”Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?A: Bach in the saddle again.Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it’s electrified.Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.Q: Why don’t they know where Mozart is buried?A: Because he’s Haydn!Q: What’s musical and handy in a supermarket?A: A Chopin Liszt.Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?A: A pair of Re-bachs.Q: What do you call a male quartet?A: Three men and a tenor.

Flute jokes

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:39 +0000

|Q: What’s the definition of a minor second?A: Two flutes playing a unison.Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune. Q: Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?A: To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.Q: What is perfect pitch on a flute?A: When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in.

Viola jokes

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:39 +0000

|Q: What is a chord?A: Three violists playing in unison.Q: What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?A: Music Minus One.Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?A: Half a measure.Q: What is the difference between grapes and a viola?A: You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes.Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please.Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.Q: What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.Q: What do you call a person who plays the viola?A: A violator.Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?A: A semi-tone.Q: Why are violas so large?A: It is an optical illusion. It’s not that the violas are large, just that the viola player’s heads are so small.Q: What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?A: Violists.Q: What is the difference between a dog and a viola?A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.Q: Why can’t you hear a viola on a digital recording?A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.Q: What is the definition of a major seventh?A: A violist playing octaves.Q: How is lightning like a violist’s fingers?A: Neither one strikes in the same place twice.Q: Which positions does a violist use?A: First, third, and emergency.Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?A: So the violists don’t need to be retrained.Q: When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the pavement first?A: Who cares!Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?A: Write a whole note with “solo” above it.

Playing music

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:39 +0000

|Last summer, the local orchestra decided to play Beethoven’s 9th symphony.However, it being quite hot, the players were working up quite a sweat, until a neighbor let them use the ventilators in her house.However, the wind from these ventilators was causing the notes to blow all over the place, so they had to tie them down to the note holders.The din from the ventilators was so bad that the bassists decided it didn’t matter if they downed a few drinks and got royally drunk.Two of the bassists got so drunk that they pass out.One of the violinists, in disgust, decided to go home but slipped and fell.Thus, it was the bottom of the 9th, the bassists were loaded, the score was tied with two men out, and the fans were roaring wild when one of the players slid home.

French horn jokes

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:39 +0000

|Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?A: A goal post that can’t march.Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?A: Just one, but he’ll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.Q: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?A: A goalpost that can’t march.Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?A: “Hi. I did that piece in junior high.”Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Just one, but he’ll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.Q: How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?A: Have them miss every other note.Q: What is the difference between a french horn section and a ’57 Chevy?A: You can tune a ’57 Chevy.Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?A: “Hi. I played that last year.”