http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes Just another WordPress site Sat, 02 Nov 2013 05:04:11 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=3.7.41 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=5522 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=5522#comments Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:29:41 +0000 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=5522 |Man says to God: “Why did you make woman so beautiful?”God says: “So you would love her.” Man says to God: “But God, Why did you make her so dumb?”God says:”So she would love you.” Source MissJoke.com

]]> http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?feed=rss2&p=5522 0 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4934 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4934#comments Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:33 +0000 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4934 |HIS and HERS Road Trip HERS: Pulls off at wrong exit. opens window asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer Arrives at destination presently. HIS: Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case. Finally rolls down window just to get fresh airPulls up to a 7 -11 Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway. Gets back into car. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was. Almost hits a deer Curses the night Curses you Curses the large slurpee Drives and fiddles with radio. Yells at you for suggesting the map again Admits he didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister’s anyway. He hates your sister. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel He had to look up pernicious. Couldn’t find a dictionary. Finally found a dictionary Couldn’t spell pernicious. Seethes at the memory of it all But she is laughing inside… And of course you’re still lost.

]]> http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?feed=rss2&p=4934 0 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4950 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4950#comments Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:33 +0000 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4950 |What is the thinnest book in the world?What men know about women!

]]> http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?feed=rss2&p=4950 0 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4966 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4966#comments Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:33 +0000 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4966 |Dating hints for gentlemenThere are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date… I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you. I used to come here all the time with my ex. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour. I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look. It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.

]]> http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?feed=rss2&p=4966 0 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4935 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4935#comments Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:33 +0000 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4935 |Reasons why it’s great to be a guyPhone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. Monday Night Football. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. You can open all your own jars. Old friends don’t annoy you if you’ve lost or gained weight. Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind. When clicking through the channel, you don’t have to stall on every shot of someone crying. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. Your last name stays put. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. You can kill your own food. The garage is all yours. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. You never have to clean the toilet. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. The National College Cheerleading Championship None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. You don’t have to shave below your neck. If you’re 34 and single nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. Flowers fix everything. You never have to worry about other people’s feelings. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Three pair of shoes are more than enough. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don’t care if someone notices your new haircut. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you. You get to jump up and slap stuff. One mood, all the time. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. Same work….more pay. Gray hair and wrinkles add character. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. You don’t care if someone is talking about you behind your back. You don’t mooch off others’ desserts. The remote is yours and yours alone. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them. ESPN’s sports center. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. You needn’t pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom. If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your friends you’ve changed. Someday you’ll be a dirty old man. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. Princess Di’s death was almost just another obituary. If something mechanical didn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So… notice anything different?” Baywatch There is always a game on somewhere.

]]> http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?feed=rss2&p=4935 0 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4951 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4951#comments Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:33 +0000 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4951 |Why don’t men eat more M & M’s?They are too hard to peel!

]]> http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?feed=rss2&p=4951 0 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4936 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4936#comments Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:33 +0000 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4936 |The top six reasons computers must be female: 6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner. 5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 2. The message “Bad Command or File Name” is about as informative as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you”. AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE: As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

]]> http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?feed=rss2&p=4936 0 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4952 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4952#comments Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:33 +0000 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4952 |What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?Gifted!

]]> http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?feed=rss2&p=4952 0 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4937 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4937#comments Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:33 +0000 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4937 |Differences Between Men & Women NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of “Love, American Style.” OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

]]> http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?feed=rss2&p=4937 0 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4953 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4953#comments Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:33 +0000 http://profileswag.com/funnyjokes/?p=4953 |What is the difference between men and government bonds?Bonds mature!

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