Funny Jokes » Mixed Jokes

A woman’s dictionary

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:32 +0000

|Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, “made the dinner.” Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.” Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus,…breath…push…” Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…! Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.” Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

Hick computer terms

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:32 +0000

|Log On: Makin’ the wood stove hotter.Log Off: Don’t add no wood.Monitor: Keepin’ an eye on the wood stove.Download: Gettin’ the firewood off the pickup.Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin’.Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin’ too much firewood.Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.Hard Drive: Getting’ home in the winter season.Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.Windows: What to shut when it’s below 15 below.Screen: What ‘cha need for the black fly season.Byte: That’s what the flies do.Chip: What to munch on.Micro Chip: What’s left in the bottom of the bag.Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred’s around.Modem: What ‘cha did to the hay fields.Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix’s wife.Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.Software: Them plastic eatin’ utensils.Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.Port: Fancy wine.Enter: C’mon in.Random Access Memory: You can’t remember whatcha’ paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.

Woman’s instructions

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:32 +0000

|THE WOMAN’S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. If they can put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all there. Tell him you’re not his type – you have a pulse. Never let your man’s mind wander – its too little to be left out alone. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway. Never marry a man for money. You’ll have to earn every penny. Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him check books. A man’s idea of serious commitment is usually, “Oh all right, I’ll stay the night”. Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn’t even have bothered to have lunch with. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his. If he asks you if you if you’re faking it tell him no, you’re just practicing. When he asks you if he’s your first tell him, “You may be, you look familiar.”

Guide for all women

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:32 +0000

|A WOMAN’S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING: I’M HUNGRY.I’m hungry. I’M SLEEPY.I’m sleepy. I’M TIRED.I’m tired. I’VE GOTTA GO.Get out of the way and stay away until it clears. WHAT’S WRONG?I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this. WHAT’S WRONG?What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.I liked it better before. YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.$50 and it doesn’t look that much different! YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair! LET’S TALK, HONEY.I’m trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me. WILL YOU MARRY ME?I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. WILL YOU MARRY ME?I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

The guide for all men

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:32 +0000

|WOMEN S LANGUAGE TRANSLATEDYes = NoNo = YesMaybe = NoI m sorry. = You ll be sorry.We need… = I wantIt s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want… = You ll pay for this later. We need to talk… = I need to complain Sure…go ahead = I don t want you to.I m not upset = Of course I m upset, you moron! You re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = …and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper….. Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you re really not going to like.I ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.Am I fat? = Tell me I m beautiful.You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you re dead.Was that the baby? = Why don t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. In response to What s wrong?:The same old thing = NothingNothing = EverythingNothing, really = It s just that you re such an idiot!

A man’s translations

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:32 +0000

|These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say…”IT’S A GUY THING”Translated:* “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”Translated:* “Why isn’t it already on the table?”"UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR”Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.”IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”Translated:* “I have no idea how it works.”"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”Translated:* “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”"THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”Translated:* “Are you still talking?”"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”Translated:* “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop,’ the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every carI’ve ever owned… but I forgot your birthday.”"OH, DON’T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”Translated:* “I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.”"HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING.”Translated:* “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”"I CAN’T FIND IT.”Translated:* “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”Translated:* “What did you catch me at?”"I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”Translated:* “No one will ever see us alive again.”"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.”Translated:* “I make the messes; she cleans them up.”

Woman’s translations

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:32 +0000

|The wife says: You wantThe wife means: You wantThe wife says: We needThe wife means: I wantThe wife says: It’s your decisionThe wife means: The correct decision should be obviousThe wife says: Do what you wantThe wife means: You’ll pay for this laterThe wife says: We need to talkThe wife means: I need to complainThe wife says: Sure… go aheadThe wife means: I don’t want you toThe wife says: I’n not upsetThe wife means: Of course I’m upset you moronThe wife says: You’re … so manlyThe wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lotThe wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lightsThe wife means: I have flabby thighs.The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenientThe wife means: I want a new house.The wife says: I want new curtains.The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!The wife says: I need wedding shoes.The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.The wife says: Hang the picture thereThe wife means: No, I mean hang it there!The wife says: I heard a noiseThe wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.The wife says: Do you love me?The wife means: I’m going to ask for something expensive.The wife says: How much do you love me?The wife means: I did something today you’re not going to like.The wife says: I’ll be ready in a minute.The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.The wife says: Am I fat?The wife means: Tell me I’m beautiful.The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.The wife means: Just agree with me.The wife says: Are you listening to me?The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]The wife says: YesThe wife means: NoThe wife says: NoThe wife means: NoThe wife says: MaybeThe wife means: NoThe wife says: I’m sorryThe wife means: You’ll be sorryThe wife says: Do you like this recipe?The wife means: You better get used to itThe wife says: All we’re going to buy is a soap dishThe wife means: I’m coming back with enough to fill this place.The wife says: Was that the baby?The wife means: Get out of bed and walk himThe wife says: I’m not yelling!The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!In answer to the question “What’s wrong?”The wife says: The same old thing.The wife means: Nothing.The wife says: Nothing.The wife means: Everything.The wife says: Nothing, really.The wife means: It’s just that you’re an idiot.The wife says: I don’t want to talk about it.The wife means: I’m still building up steam.

Mother’s dictionary

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:32 +0000

|Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disasterFeedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.Look out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.Verbal: Able to whine in wordsWhodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”

Evaluation comments

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:32 +0000

|Dictionary of Evaluation Comments Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job. A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college. EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together. SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life. CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared. METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker. DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice. JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky. MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes. STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn. GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward. SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time. IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else. ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip. REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed. HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way. ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do. HAPPY: Paid too much. WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork. COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps. CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying. WILL GO FAR: Relative of management. SHOULD GO FAR: Please. USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher. VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work. USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything. DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.

Evaluating progress

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:32 +0000

|A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.Active socially: Drinks heavily.Alert to company developments: An office gossip.Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.Average: Not too bright.Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.Conscientious and careful: Scared.Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.Enjoys job: Needs more to do.Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.Happy: Paid too much.Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.Maintains professional attitude: A snob.Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.Not a desk person: Did not go to college.Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.Should go far: Please.Slightly below average: Stupid.Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.Takes pride in work: Conceited.Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.Uses resources well: Delegates everything.Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.Well organized: Does too much busywork.Will go far: Relative of management.Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn’t mind spending someone else’s money.Zealous attitude: Opinionated.