Funny Jokes » Computing Jokes

Password selection rules

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:31 +0000

|CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities, and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities, new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change their passwords to conform to these rules immediately.RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example: HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password.2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ, then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in both passwords.3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an invalid password.4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month. Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid. Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric representation for the month of March.5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT, ME, or TO because these are all words.6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each other. HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally adjacent to each other.7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing. Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password.Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.

Fixing broken computers

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:31 +0000

|An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.He told her to “Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it.”About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

Internet addictions

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:31 +0000

|Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD)As the incidence and prevalence of Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) has been increasing exponentially, a support group. The Internet Addiction Support Group (IASG) has been established. Below are the official criteria for the diagnosis of IAD and subscription information for the IASG.A maladaptive pattern of Internet use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period: Diagnostic Criteria(I) tolerance, as defined by either of the following: (A) A need for markedly increased amounts of time on Internet to achieve satisfaction (B) markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of time on Internet(II) withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following (A) the characteristic withdrawal syndrome (1) Cessation of (or reduction) in Internet use that has been heavy and prolonged. (2) Two (or more) of the following, developing within several days to a month after Criterion 1: (a) psychomotor agitation (b) anxiety (c) obsessive thinking about what is happening on Internet (d) fantasies or dreams about Internet (e) voluntary or involuntary typing movements of the fingers (3) The symptoms in Criterion B cause distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important other area of functioning (B) Use of Internet or a similar on-line service is engaged in to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms.(III) Internet is often accessed more often or for longer periods of time than was intended(IV) There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control Internet use(V) A great deal of time is spent in activitied related to Internet use (e.g., buying Internet books, trying out new WWW browsers, researching Internet vendors, organizing files of downloaded materials(VI) Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of Internet use.(VII) Internet use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical, social, occupational, or psychological problem that is likely to been caused or exacerbated by Internet use (sleep deprivation, marital difficulties, lateness for early morning appointments, neglect of occupational duties, or feelings of abandonment in significant others)

The Borg versus Microsoft

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:31 +0000

|Picard “Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?”Geordi “Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.”Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.Riker looks puzzled. “What in the world is ‘Microsoft’?”Data turns to answer. “Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called ‘Windows’, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.”Picard “But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won’t they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?”Data “Yes, Captain. But when ‘Windows’ detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an ‘upgrade’. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.”Picard “Excellent work. This is even better than that ‘unsolvable geometric shape’ idea.”Fifteen minutes later . . .Data “Captain, We have successfully installed the ‘Windows’ in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected ‘upgrade’.”Geordi “Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an ‘upgrade’ to compensate for their increase.”Picard “Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed.”Data “Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the ‘upgrade’. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.Riker “Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . .”Geordi, excited “Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !”Picard “Data, what do your scanners show?”Data “Apparently the Borg have found the internal ‘Windows’ module named ‘Solitaire’ and it has used up all the CPU capacity.”Picard “Lets wait and see how long this ‘solitaire’ can reduce their functionality.”Two hours pass . . .Riker “Geordi what’s the status on the Borg?”Geordi “As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more ‘Windows’ modules from something called the ‘Microsoft fun-pack’.Picard “How much time will that buy us ?”Data “Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours.”Geordi “Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.”Picard “Identify.”Data “It appears to have markings very similar to the ‘Microsoft’ logo”Over the speakers:”THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS”Data “The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects.”Picard “Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft”Riker “Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!”Data “I don’t believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits”Riker and Picard together horrified “Lawyers !!”Geordi “It can’t be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.”Data “True, but apparently some must have survived.”Riker “They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.”Data “I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as ‘red tape’. I understand that it often proves fatal.”Riker “They’re tearing the Borg to pieces !”Picard “Turn off the monitors. I can’t stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that!”

I have a keyboard error

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:31 +0000

|A person turned on the computer without a keyboard plugged in.When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a “Keyboard Error” message.She then asks “Why did it give me a keyboard error?There isn’t even a keyboard attached?

Ethical software group

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:31 +0000

|SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO “WATCH LIST”New York, NJ, Nov. 11 — People for the Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been added to the group’s “watch list” of companies that regularly practice software testing.”There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products,” said Ken Granola, spokesperson for PETS. “Alternative methods of testing these products are available.”According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthly and arduous tests, often without rest for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to “break” the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about “torturing” the software.”It’s no joke,” said Granola. “Innocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and ‘crashed’ for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they’re not needed anymore.” Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs.”We know alternatives to this horror exist,” he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corp. as a company that has become extremely successful without resorting to software testing.PETS is a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the lives of software programs and promoting alternatives to software testing.

Ten things Bill Gates would like to change about the automotive industry

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:31 +0000

|10. New seats would require everyone to have the same body size.9. We’d all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.8. The U.S. government would get subsidies from an automaker–a first.7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single “General Car Fault” warning light.6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads.5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT – but then you would have to buy more seats.3. Occasionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you’d have to buy a new car.1. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.

Type what I tell you

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:31 +0000

|While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file.He said it said “File not found”.I told him to do a dir.I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.He said, “Well it says autoexec, then there’s some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat.”I said type this in “type autoexec.bat”.Again he got “File not found”.I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed.He said, “I typed just what you told me: `type autoexecdotbat’.

Internet highway blues

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:31 +0000

|The Information Highway BluesMy baby’s got my 486. My cellular phone’s on the blink. My fax’s gone off to fax heaven, And Pay For View stinks. I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues. I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues. I lost my account on the Internet. My email’s been revoked. My modem’s stuck at 300 baud, And my terminal just blinks. I got the blues, I got the Information Highway bluuuuues . I got the bluuuuues, I got the Information Highway blues. My head spins from Virtual Reality. I don’t have Video on demand. I can’t read my Personal Newspaper, And Shop At Home has kinks. I missed the on-ramp, to the Information Highway bluuuues. I missed the onnnn-ramp, to the Information Highway blues. Jack “Blues” Jung, Toronto, September 1994.

Abbott calling Costello

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:31 +0000

|Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX.Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?Abbott: Yes, that’s correct.Costello: No, what is it?Abbott: Yes.Costello: So, which is the one?Abbott: No. ‘which’ is used to find the program.Costello: Stop this. Who are you?Abbott: Use ‘who am i’ not ‘who r yoo’. You can also ‘finger yoo’ to get information about ‘yoo’.Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?Abbott: Use ‘what’.Costello: That’s what I am trying to find out. Isn’t that true?Abbott: No. ‘true’ gives you 0.Costello: Which one?Abbott: ‘true’ gives you 0. ‘which programname’Costello: Let’s get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?Abbott: Type ‘find / -name it -print’ to find ‘it’. Type ‘what program’ to get the revision code.Costello: I want to find the revision code.Abbott: You can’t ‘find revisioncode’, you must use ‘what program’.Costello: Which command will do what I need?Abbott: No. ‘which command’ will find ‘command’.Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.Abbott: You can ‘write that’ only if ‘that’ is a user on your system.Costello: Write what?Abbott: No. ‘write that’. ‘what program’.Costello: Cut that out!Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for ‘cut’. Don’t forget the options.Costello: Do you always do this?Abbott: ‘du’ will give you disk usage.Costello: HELP!Abbott: ‘help’ is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).Costello: You make me angry.Abbott: No, I don’t ‘make me’ angry but I did ‘make programname’ when I was upset once.Costello: I don’t want to make trouble, so no more.Abbott: No ‘more’? ‘which’ will help you find ‘more’. Every system has ‘more’.Costello: Nice help! I’m confused more now!Abbott: Understand that since ‘help’ is such a small program, it is better not to ‘nice help’. and ‘more now’ is not allowed but ‘at now’ is. Unless of course ‘now’ is a file name.Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.Abbott: I didn’t know you needed help with ‘pc’. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.