Funny Jokes » Computing Jokes

Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta)

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:31 +0000

|Redmond, WA — Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.”The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money,” recalls Gates. “I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times.”Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates’ vision of panhandling for the 21st century.”We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works,” says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. “Except for the fact that they’re stinking rich.”Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. (“This is a little lie,” admits software engineer Adam Miller, “since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn’t embellish a little?”) The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user’s bank account to Microsoft’s. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The “No” button has not yet been implemented.”We’re experiencing a little trouble programming the No button,” Bernard Liu says, “but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe.” Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.”Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar.” (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.”Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift,” says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. “I mean, in the future, we won’t need laptop computers asking you for change. You’ll have an entire network of machines asking you for money.”Gates responded with, “I know what you are, but what am I?” General pandemonium then ensued.

A letter to the editors

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:31 +0000

|LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)Dear Sir,I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry.

Ode to spell checkers

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:31 +0000

|ODE TO A SPELL CHECKERby Jerrold H ZarI have a spelling checker.It came with my PC.It plane lee marks four my revue Miss steaks aye can knot sea. Eye ran this poem threw it, Your sure reel glad two no.Its vary polished in it’s weigh. My checker tolled me sew. A checker is a bless sing. It freeze yew lodes of thyme. It helps me right awl stiles two reed, And aides me when aye rime. Each frays come posed up on my screen Eye trussed too be a joule. The checker pours o’er every word To cheque sum spelling rule. Bee fore a veiling checker’s Hour spelling mite decline, And if we’re lacks oar have a laps, We wood bee maid to wine. Butt now bee cause my spelling Is checked with such grate flare, Their are know fault’s with in my cite, Of nun eye am a wear. Now spelling does knot phase me, it does knot bring a tier. My pay purrs awl due glad den With wrapped word’s fare as hear. To rite with care is quite a feet Of witch won should bee proud, And wee mussed dew the best wee can, Sew flaw’s are knot aloud. Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays Such soft wear four pea seas, And why eye brake in two averse Buy righting want too pleas.

Microsoft versus GM

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:31 +0000

|Microsoft vs. GMAt a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.” Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, “Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?” And… 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought “Car95″ or “CarNT”. But, then you would have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say, “Are you sure?” before going off.

Computer history of the world

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:31 +0000

|In the beginning, God created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.And God said – Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said – Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.And God said – Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big… And told them – Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.And God said – I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but do not use Windows.And God said – It is not good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer’s body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User – Did God really tell you not to run any programs? And the User answered – God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die. And Bill said to the User – How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless–since Windows could replace it. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him–What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered–I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said – Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said – It was Bill who told us to! And God said to Bill – Because of what you did, you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows. And God said to the User – Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help. And God said to the Programmer – Because you listened to the User, you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password. General Protection Fault

The system crash song

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:31 +0000

|SYSTEM CRASH (to the tune of “The Monster Mash”) I was working in the lab, late one nightWhen my eyes beheld an eerie sight,Some smoke from our VAX began to riseAnd suddenly, to my surprise… [chorus](There was a crash) There was a system crash(A mighty crash) I heard the disk heads smash(A system crash) It came down in a flash(There was a crash) A fatal system crash The lab manager then appeared from his room,Said: “I don’t want to be a prophet of doom,But we had one like this just the other dayWhich blew up 4 megs and the SBA”[chorus] The system had just been booted, diagnosticshad all run through, When a power fluck made itall run amuck, then SCOTTY and IRVING blew tooSo we’d lost all our VAXes in less than one nightWhen a VP came in and said: “hey, that’s all right,I’ll loan you a Venus – here’s what to doWhen you call up Support, tell them Gordon sent you…[chorus]

Computer used too long

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:31 +0000

|You know you have been on the computer too long when…When you are counting objects, you go “0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D…”.When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.When your wife says “If you don’t turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!”, and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.When you look for your car keys using: “grep keys /dev/pockets”When you look for your homework using: “grep homework /dev/backpack”When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you’re doing the math in octal.When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors….You’re writing a homework assignment, and get the end of the line in the middle of a sentence, tack on a ”, and continue writing on the next line.

Caring for floppy disks

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:31 +0000

|ORIGAMIArt of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result, put the floppy in the disk drive after folding it several times in different directions. With a little luck, you should be able to get it jammed. Now, ask yourself. How can your disk get damaged if you can’t even get it out of the drive?SMOKEUse cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking, blow directly to your disk. In that way, you will be able to destroy it soon, and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well.PIRANHASIf you don’t have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen. This wonderful method of “caring” for disks also often gives you a pretty bite-like design on the remaining pieces of the disk.MAGNETSThey are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper weights, and stuck on the frige door. If you can’t find any, you can leave the floppies on the printer or on your display for a while, making sure that they are on.MAILPut a disk in an envelope and don’t write any warning on it; then mail it to someone, and that’s all.MAGIC TOUCHTouch your floppy. As much as you can. If you have marmelade or butter in your fingers, better. Your floppy will acknowledge it.DON’T USE ANY ENVELOPEArchive them wihtout their envelope, piled under a lot of papers and manuals.DON’T MAKE BACKUPSOf course, if you don’t have any security copy, you won’t have to worry about how to destroy them once you have lost the original.SUPREME STUPIDITYIt is the best way of destroying floppies. If you practice it regularly, you’ll find new methods to add to this list.

Changing number terms

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:31 +0000

|In a recent contest in The Washington Post, readers were asked to take an expression using a number, add or subtract one, and create a new definition: The Year 2001 Problem: How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 2000 problem. Catch-23: Complete the previous catch before proceeding to this step. Fortune 501: Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants. Motel 5: If you’re not there by midnight, they turn off the light. Dressed to the Eights: Impeccably attired with white socks. Six Brides for Seven Brothers: Someone’s gonna get hurt ! Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs: The title, before they expelled Gassy. Five Eyes: Other kids can be so cruel when you are Siamese twins, and one of you is wearing a monocle. 665: The mark on the forehead of Satan’s slightly less evil brother, Ralph.

Graphics work too much

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:31 +0000

|You’ve been in graphics too long if…by Chris ThornborrowMost of your friends can pronounce Gouraud first time. When you fist heard that some people used 16 million colours you wondered whatever for and continued to write colour-map tables for correct highlights on objects. You remember comp.graphics when there weren’t enough articles for you to read, none of them included the word PC and nobody ever asked the difference between raytracing and rendering. You insist that DOOM does not use raycasting. (Technically, as it was first introduced, and anyway, who plays games at your age?) Your partner knows the difference between scientific visualisation and photorealistic rendering, even though they wouldn’t know a polygon from a camel. You think an SGI Indy is OK for a quick hack but not a real graphics machine. You remember discussing how one day there would be graphics hardware to support rendering in desktop machines and people laughed. You watched the Last Starfighter in an empty theatre and marvelled thinking it was even better than TRON. You remember thinking that parallel computers would solve your graphics problems. You remember when you thought X was a high level graphics language. You get drunk and suddenly get really excited examining the light reflected through the whisky. You get despondent while walking in the woods and think “I’ll never be able to render this in real time.” You once sat up all night watching your home computer calculate the mandlebrot set with 16 colours and a resolution of 200×200. You sat up the next night with colleagues watching your home computer calculate the mandlebrot set with 16 colours and a resolution of 200×200. Your address book has email entries for Benoit, James F, and Prof David R and Eric. You think being a computer geek is only half way there. You wonder how nature processes all those photons so quickly. When people mention the word graphics you really insist they are more accurate in their terminology. You get irritated by people who say, “Oh, graphics, that’s a solved problem” (even if they then go on to be precise about what they mean by the term “graphics”). You own one or more of the following: a glass sphere, a prism, more then two copies of Foley and Van Dam, a computer which cost more than your car, a computer which cost more than your house, a pet named Phong, a graphics board from a defunct supercomputer (properly framed) or a Rubics Cube (original). You get 75% or more of these jokes.