Funny Jokes » Food Jokes

Bottle of Evian water?

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:30 +0000

|Q: Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water?A: Just spell “Evian” backwards!

Purchasing a turkey

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:30 +0000

|A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

Food quotes and quips

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:30 +0000

|Food quotes, quips, and thoughts . . .”Artichokes … are just plain annoying … After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual ‘food’ out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead.” — Miss Piggy”The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” –Sam Levinson”This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn’t say how far to separate them.” — Gracie Allen”I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.” — Erma Bombeck”I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.” — Joe E. Lewis”I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead — not sick, not wounded — dead.” — Woody Allen”Food is an important part of a balanced diet.” — Fran Lebowitz”Health food makes me sick.” — Calvin Trillin”Watermelon — it’s a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face.” — Enrico Caruso”Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” — Robert Orben

Placing your order

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:30 +0000

|A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.There was a big sign posted. “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.” The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, “Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn’t be eating here.”

Wise cooking advice

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:30 +0000

|This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven’t seen listed in any cookbooks.While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going.Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department.Let the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of opening the windows) and serve the food.By this point, you have established expectations in your guests’ minds that you can’t fail to exceed!

Thin People Don’t

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:30 +0000

|By Barbara Florio GrahamFrom McCall’s, June, 1983I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I’ve found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I’ve found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;split a large combination pizza with three friends;think Oreo cookies are for kids;nibble cashews one at a time;think that doughnuts are indigestible;read books they have to hold with both hands;become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;lose their appetites when they’re depressed;think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make interesting soups;throw out stale potato chips;will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a special store;think it’s too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;don’t celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped cream;try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never quite work their way over to the hors-d’oeuvre table;have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly beans to an equal number of each color;think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;think banana splits are for kids.

The results of a study

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:30 +0000

|About 85% of women are responsible for cooking the family dinner, and 84% wish they didn’t have to.

The bachelor’s diet

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:30 +0000

|Bachelor’s DietMONDAY:BREAKFAST – Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth LUNCH – Send your secretary out for six “gutbombers” those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of maalox.AFTERNOON SNACK – Drink the maaloxDINNER – Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don’t eat the coleslaw.——————————————————————————–TUESDAY: BREAKFAST – Eat the coleslawLUNCH – Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.DINNER – Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho’s. ——————————————————————————–WEDNESDAY:BREAKFAST – Jaws couldn’t eat breakfast after a night at El Flasho’s LUNCH – Rolaids and a cokeDINNER – Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps ——————————————————————————–THURSDAY:BREAKFAST – Order out for pizzaLUNCH – Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers.DINNER – Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.——————————————————————————–FRIDAY:BREAKFAST – Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it’s better for you.LUNCH – Skip lunch, Fridays are murder DINNER – Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don’t eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.——————————————————————————–SATURDAY:BREAKFAST – Sleep through it.LUNCH – DittoDINNER – Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket. ——————————————————————————–SUNDAY:BREAKFAST – Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie. LUNCH – Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.DINNER – Chicken noodle soup – Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.

Caffeine addict quiz

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:30 +0000

|Do you want to know if you suffer from “Alertness Deficit Disorder” (ADD)? Then just take this simple quiz. These questions will help us to determine whether or not you suffer from this terrible affliction; the only known cure for which is caffeine. ADD takes the lives of millions of Americans, hundreds of Canadians, and a handful of Ugandans every year. If that doesn’t scare you, let’s just say that you are more susceptible than anyone else. YES, YOU! If you suffer from this disease, missing just one trip to Starbucks could be FATAL. The following series of Yes/No questions will allow us to determine your Addiction Factor(TM). Keep track of the number of Yes and No answers you get and chart yourself at the end. Remember: Prevention is the best medicine. Or was it laughter? Either way, read on. 1. Do you use coffee to escape from your problems? 2. Do you eat spoonfuls of instant coffee because it’s easier? 3. Have you ever woken up in a puddle of your own coffee? 4. Do you find that it’s easier to drink more coffee than go to sleep? 5.a) Have you ever drunk cold coffee?b) Right out of the pot? 6. Do you spend more than 20% of your income on coffee and/or coffee related products? 7. Does your coffee cup resemble a beer stein? 8. Has anyone ever told you that you “have a problem”? 9. Do you need coffee:a) …to get up in the morning?b) …to get out of bed?c) …to be injected intravenously to stimulate blood-flow?10. Do you own a “Coffee Helmet”? (For the culturally ignorant, a coffee- helmet is a hat with coffee-cups attached to it and a straw coming out of each cup leading to the mouth, used for hands-free drinking.)11. Do Native North American Aboriginal Indian Peoples call you “Ona mac towanda” (Smells-like- coffee)?12. Does your doctor measure your heartbeat on the Richter scale as well as by its frequency?13. Have you ever sold personal or other people’s possessions just to get your fix for the day?14. Does the phrase “swiss water decaffienated” strike terror into your heart?15.a) Do you have a coffee maker in more than one room of your house?b) …in more than five?c) …in your bathroom?16.a) Do the people at Second Cup refuse do give you free coffee cards anymore?b) …because you’re wearing out their hole-punch?c) …and it’s bad for the environment?17. Do you grind your own coffee?18. Do you grow your own coffee?19. Have you ever been fired from a job because you’re “drinking their profits”?20.a) Do you know Juan Valdez?b) …and his donkey?c) …intimately?21. Do you salivate uncontrollably whenever you hear dripping water?22.a) Is sleep a hobby of yours?b) …that you don’t like?c) …because it’s too frustrating?

M&M Evolution theory

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:30 +0000

|M&M’s: The Theory of EvolutionWhenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.To this end, I hold M&M duels.Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger,I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”