Funny Jokes » Bar Jokes

A neutron at a bar

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:24 +0000

|A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says.The bartender promptly serves up a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge”

Does your dog bite?

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:24 +0000

|A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. “Does your dog bite?”"No.”A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.”I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!” the man says indignantly.”That’s not my dog.”

There is a monkey in the bar

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:24 +0000

|A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says “Do you know your monkey stole my beer.” The pianist replies “No, but if you hum it, I’ll play it.”

I have a magical dancing duck

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:24 +0000

|A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn’t dance a single step!” “So?” asked the ducks former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”

A golf club visits a local bar

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:24 +0000

|A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.The barman refuses to serve him. “Why not,” asks the golf club.”You’ll be driving later,” replies the bartender.

Top ten signs that you are too drunk

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:24 +0000

|10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.6. You can focus better with one eye closed.5. You fall off the floor.5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.4. You haven’t had a driver’s license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.3. Roseanne looks good.2. You don’t recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass. 1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

He is a very fast drinker

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:24 +0000

|A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.” The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking. “You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.” The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?” The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”

I am afraid of that tarmac

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:24 +0000

|A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won’t see him. The barman looks down at him and says, “What’s the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You’ve got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac? The motorway replies, “You don’t know him like I do. He’s a cyclepath.”

A drunk orders himself a beer

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:24 +0000

|A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink–he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely–but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries “Man! How many bars do you work at?”

A bet made at the local bar

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:24 +0000

|A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, “I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass.”The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn’t even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, “Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?”The man answers, “Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the