Funny Jokes » Military Jokes

Painting shows it all

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:28 +0000

|At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture. “What a great realist that painter is!” he exclaimed. “What painter?” “The one that painted this picture ‘Soldiers at Work’.” “Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren’t working at all!” “That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!”

Choose a punishment

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:28 +0000

|Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.”You can take your choice, private – one month’s restriction or twenty day’s pay,” said the officer.”All right, sir,” said the bright soldier, “I’ll take the money.”

Tribute to the Marines

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:28 +0000

|A tribute to the United States Marine Corps and the reasons why they are superior to the many organizations of the world . . .* United States Marine Corps Birthday: 10 NOVEMBER 1775 * 1) Best haircut. Hands down. You can’t have a bad hair day with a high and tight. And you spend less on shampoo. 2) Dress blues. They’re the coolest uniforms in any military worldwide. 3) Bloused trousers. Another distinctive Marine look that sets the proudest service members apart. 4) The rest of the Marine sea bag. From the Alphas to the camouflage utilities, uniforms just look better on a Marine than any other service member. 5) Marines don’t wear dungarees. 6) Most respect I. When the Marines pulled out of Haiti and Somalia, the media reported the U.S. military was pulling out — as if tens of thousands of Army troops weren’t still in the country. Now that’s respect. 7) Most respect II. When the Corps came back to Haiti after 60 years, an old man on the Cap-Haitien beach said “Welcome back!” 8) Toughest mascot. The Marine Corps’ is a bulldog. The Navy’s: a goat. 9) Esprit de Corps. Even if you can’t spell it or pronounce it, the Marine Corps has it in spades. One example: When sailors get tattoos, they do it to express their individuality, and their choices range from Betty Boop and Mickey Mouse to raging sea serpents. When Marines get tattoos, they do it to express their solidarity, and choose bull dogs, “death before dishonor,” and “USMC.” 10) Best war monument: Iwo Jima 11) The Marines invade, then go home. The Army has to do the occupying. 12) The silent drill team. Just watching them ply their trade makes you want to wear dress blues. 13) Status. Sailors live and work on ships. Marines go for cruises — then hit the shore. 14) Best fast attack vehicles: LAVs. 15) Best fighting knife: Ka-Bar. 16) Best duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea. 17) Worst duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea. 18) Most exotic duty assignments: Kuala Lumpur, The White House. 19) Best phone number. Call 1-800-MARINES and you’ve got the Corps. And if you’re a civilian with the character to be a Marine, a recruiter there will be happy to sign you up. 20) Toughest DI’s. (Drill Instructors). They’re so tough that when the Navy wants to train its officers, who do they call? 1-800-MARINES. 21) Toughest boot camp. When San Diego was still training Navy recruits, legend has it that recruits occasionally would jump the fence and accidentally land in Marine boot camp. The Marines would keep them a couple of days, and when the recruits were sent back, they were ready to be sailors! 22) Best motivational cries: Ooh-rah! – Attack! – Kill! 23) Best emblem: Eagle, Globe and Anchor. (Air, Land and Sea) 24) Best campaign covers: The Smokey Bear hat. 25) Separate heads for enlisted and officers. Everywhere else, officers and enlisted use the same pot. 26) The only official, congressionally sanctioned hymn for any of the services: “The Marines’ Hymn.”

How far to the town?

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:28 +0000

|A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.A rancher rode past.”Say, friend”, called out one of the men, “how far is it to the next town?”"Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon,” called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.”How far to the next town?” the men asked him eagerly.”Oh, a good two miles.”A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. “Hey, how far’s the next town?”"Not far,” was the encouraging answer, “only about two miles.”"Well,” sighed the optimistic sergeant, “thank God, we’re holding our own, anyhow!”

Military Christmas

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:28 +0000

|’Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so denseThat nothing that flew could slip through our defense.When out of the klaxon arose such a clatterI dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.And there found the source of the warning we’d heeded:An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.”Alert status red!” went the word down the wire,As we gave every system the codes that meant “FIRE!”On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk,And scramble our fighters–let’s send the whole flock.Launch decoys and missiles, use chaff by the yard!Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.So we sent out some recon to look for debris,Yet all that they found, both on land and on seaWere some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer’s parachute.Now it isn’t quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.There are unhappy kids in each village and town.For the Spirit of Christmas can’t hope to evadeAll the web of defenses we’ve carefully made.But a crash program’s on: Working hard, night and day,All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.So let’s wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,For the future has hope: Santa’s coming by stealth!

Flying near Athens

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:28 +0000

|As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: “What’s that stuff on those hills?”"Just snow,” replied the stewardess. “That’s what I thought,” said the lady, “but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece.”

New chemical warfare

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:28 +0000

|An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: “Anyone knows the formula for water?”"Sure. That’s easy,” said one man.”What is it?”"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.”"What, what?” reasked the instructor.”H to O,” explained the chemistry expert.

Lease nuclear weapons

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:27 +0000

|Lease a Nuke!Want power and respect? Want to influence the course of world events? Want to be on CNN every night? Tired of hum-drum conventional warfare and messy bio-chemical weapons? Want to watch the citizens of your favorite arcology squirm and sweat in constant nagging fear of instant and unexpected anhilation? Lease a nuclear device! In the wake of the former Soviet Union’s demise, there are literally thousand of high-quality nuclear weapons complete with intercontinental delivery systems going unused. Though these systems are indeed powerful and destructive weapons of war, they are most effective when used in a more passive role. The US and USSR have proven in years of research and actual testing that nuclear devices are most effective when merely targeting an enemy. Actual detonation is not normally necessary to acheive tremendous effect in the designated target’s military, political, economic and social well being. Imagine the boost in national pride and morale when you personally announce on state radio and television that you have put long-time enemies under threat of nuclear destruction. They will praise your name as a powerful and inspired leader even without the secret police’s encouragement. Why lease? By leasing, you not only save money developing your own nuclear technology program, you save a lot of unnecessary headaches too. Nuclear weapons development is expensive and time consuming, not to mention easily detectable. It could take you years to aquire and build the necessary industry to manufacture weapons-grade material. Even after that, you still have to design, build and test your first device before anyone takes you seriously. Purchasing existing nuclear hardware is also expensive and risky. Most governments are on the lookout for such activity. Many dealers are crooked. Do you really want to take a chance getting ripped off by shady weapons dealers? Even if you succeed purchasing through the black market, you stand the risk of getting on the wrong side of international opinion. You could lose existing conventional arms contracts, face economic sanctions or even military action. With a lease you avoid a lot of other problems too. Since the weapons are not on your property, you avoid becoming a target yourself. You can forget about the high cost of security, environmental pollution concerns and even subversion by renegade generals in your own army. The advantages of leasing are tremendous. You just sign, point, and go! When you are through leasing, just turn in the button and walk away. You can even change your target at any time for a small fee. (Handy for preventing those nasty coup d’ etats.) You can announce your target or keep it secret. Each targeted device contract comes with a certificate of authenticity and sufficient proof actual delivery capability. The best part is, you don’t pay for the whole weapon, unless you actually fire it! This alone presents a HUGE cost savings over the alternatives. Imagine the power and prestige you will feel when you get your very own button. You can do things you never thought possible, like pounding your shoe on the UN podium. Hey, and nothing says sexy like a nuclear trigger. Hurry, opportunities are limited! Contact Raydeax corpoaration for more details on how you too can become an instant nuclear world power. Dr. Nuketopia, Technology Director of the World-Wide Monetary Conspiracy (Opinions strictly reflect the party line)

A young naval student

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:27 +0000

|A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. “What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?” “Throw out an anchor, sir,” the student replied. “What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?” “Throw out another anchor, sir.” “And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?” asked the captain. “Throw out another anchor, sir.” “Hold on,” said the captain. “Where are you getting all those anchors from?” “From the same place you’re getting your storms, sir.”

Impressing the others

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:27 +0000

|A young Air Force 2nd Lieutenant had just arrived at Misawa AFB in Japan.He’d been given a beautiful renovated office and had it furnished with antiques.Sitting there, he saw an enlisted man come into his outer office.Wishing to appear the hot shot, the officer picked up the phone and started to pretend he was exchanging chit chat with the Base Commander.He threw Colonel’s and General’s names around and talked about letting them stay in his Daddy’s condo in Hawaii, and then set up a golfing date between him, the Base Commander, and the CO’s of the Naval Security Group and Naval Air Facility.Finally he hung up and asked the Sergeant, “Can I help you sergeant?”The TSGT said, “Yes sir, I’m here to activate your phone lines.”