Funny Jokes » Aviation Jokes

There’s a parrot on the plane

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:26 +0000

|On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks “And get me a whisky you cow!” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls “And get me another whisky you idiot”. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I’ll kick you”. The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says “For someone who can’t fly, you complain too much!”

Top Things You Don’t Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:26 +0000

|1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.2. Hey folks, we’re going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it’s all part of our airline’s new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza. 4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o’clock….one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!5. Ummmmmm….Sorry……(silence) 6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)….uhhhhh….we have to go back ….we ..we ….uhhhhhh ….forgot something….. 7. I’m sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we’ll be flying much more efficiently now.8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).9. This is your Captain speaking….these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I’m used to.. so you’ll have to give me some leeway… 10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.11. We’ve now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and … Oh noooooooo!!!!!.. 12. Don’t worry! That one is always on E… 13. Get the parachutes ready… 14. Drinks are on me…15. I’ll have what the Captain’s having… 16. Hey capt’n take another hit man…

International airline

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:26 +0000

|Acronyms for International AirlinesItalyALITALIA = Always Late In The Air, Late In ArrivalALITALIA = Arrived Late In Turin, And Luggage In Australia——————————————————————————–BritainBOAC = Better on a camel ——————————————————————————–BelgiumSABENA = Such A Bloody Experience Never Again——————————————————————————–PakistanPIA = Please, Inform Allah——————————————————————————–YugoslaviaJAT = Joke About Time——————————————————————————–Pacific Western AirlinesPWA = Pray While AloftPWA = Please Wait Awhile Airlines——————————————————————————–Trans World Airlines = Teeney Weeny Airlines.

The Top Twenty Flight Advertising Slogans

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:26 +0000

|1. BadAir: When you just can’t wait for the world to come to you.2. BadAir: We’re Amtrak with wings. 3. Join our frequent near-miss program. 4. On flights, every section is a smoking section. 5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements. 6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin. 7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don’t worry. We’ll turn them off. 8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall. 9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you. 10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.11. If you think it’s so easy, get your own plane! 12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes? 13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose. 14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street. 15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us. 16. Bring a bathing suit. 17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view. 18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots. 19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.

The loss of engines

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:26 +0000

|Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced “One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don’t worry we have three engines left”.Thirty minutes later, the captain announced “One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don’t worry we have two engines left”. An hour later the capain announced “One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don’t worry we have one engine left”. One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day”

Results of damage testing

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:26 +0000

|It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.The theory is that if the windshield doesn’t crack from the carcass impact, it’ll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they’re developing.They borrowed the FAA’s chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer’s chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: “Use a thawed chicken.”

Half off these tickets

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:26 +0000

|USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.Letters are still pouring in asking, “What trip?”

Trouble with plane engines

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:26 +0000

|While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window.”Oh no!” he screamed, “One of the engines just blew up!” Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn’t maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. “Say,” spoke up an alert passenger, “Aren’t those parachutes?” The pilot confirmed that they were. The passenger went on, “But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?” “There isn’t,” replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. “We’re going to get help.”

A plane flying in the 1930s

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:26 +0000

|In the early 1930′s, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.”$10 for 3 minutes,” replied the pilot. “That’s too much,” said the farmer.The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10.” The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.” “Maybe so,” said the farmer, “But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.”

There are lawyers on the flight

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:26 +0000

|An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.”All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards.”