Funny Jokes » War

There is a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:22 +0000

There’s a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the NAVY was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy who’s driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other and all cars go flying off in different directions. The squid manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I am really lucky to be alive!” Likewise the ARMY guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy just shakes his head and says to himself, “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!” The NAVY guy walks over to the ARMY and Air Force guys and says, “Hey guys, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.” The ARMY guy thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends.”The Air Force guy says “Let me see what else survived this wreck.” So he pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.He says to the NAVY and Army guys, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship.” The Swabbie says, “You’re right!” and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the bottle the Squid hands it to the ARMY guy and says, “Your turn! The ARMY guy sucks down a thirdand hands the bottle back to the Air Force guy. The Air Force guy puts the cap back on the bottle and says, “I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”

During the World War II…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:22 +0000

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something – at least they would die laughing. The navigator went down and said to the crew, “What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?”The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, “Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?” The navigator told him.The captain replied, “Well, you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!”

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:22 +0000

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.The corporal explained the procedure “You count toten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn’topen, pull the second. That should do it. Then, afteryou land, there’ll be a truck waiting to pick you up.”The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary”Geronimo!” and jumped out of the plane. He counted toten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open.He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn’topen. As he plummeted downward, he said, “I’ll bet thatgoddamn truck won’t be there either!”

A sailor and a marine are taking a piss…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:22 +0000

A sailor and a marine are taking a piss at a public restroom. The marine finishes first and washes his hands. The sailor just walks to the exit. So the marine says to him: hey, in the marines they teach us to wash our hands after taking a piss. The sailor says: yeah well, in the navy they teach us to not piss on our hands.

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:22 +0000

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He wentthough the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higherand higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from anairplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him thenews. “So, did you jump?” the father asked. “Well, let me tell you whathappened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the doorand asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked outof the plane!” Is that when you jumped?” asked the father. “Um, not yet.Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throwthem out the door.” “Did you jump then?” asked the father. “I’m getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last manleft on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. Hetold be to get off the plane or he’d kick my butt.” “So, did you jump?”"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. TheJump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?? I said, `No, sir.I?m too scared.? So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and tookhis penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big aroundas a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, orI?m sticking this little baby up your ass.?” “So, did you jump?”asked the father. “Well, a little, at first.

A recruit who wasn’t really meant to be a soldier…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:22 +0000

A recruit who wasn’t really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them. Despondent, he said to the sergeant, “I think I’ll just go and shoot myself.”The sergeant said, “Better take a couple of extra bullets!”

MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:22 +0000

MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON– written from Central Spain, August 1812 Gentlemen, Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters. We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His Majesty’s Government holds me accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted for in one infantry battalion’s petty cash and there has been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall. This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty’s Government so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both: 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance. 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain. Your most obedient servant, Wellington

Red shirt

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:22 +0000

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew werein danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic,the captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!”The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which thecaptain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vesselssending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calmas ever bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!” And once again the battle wason, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boardingparties,although this time more casualties occurred.Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recountingthe day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?”The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give,exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.”The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawncame the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!”

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:22 +0000

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, “Will we have to fight a World War Three?” “Yes, comrades, looks like you will,” answers the general. “And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?” another officer asks. “The likelihood is that it will be China.” The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, “But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?” “Well,” replies the general, “Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time.” “But sir,” asks the panicky officer, “Do we have enough jews”?

From one of Tom Clancy books…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:22 +0000

From one of Tom Clancy’s books:Commanding officer: “Alright! How about an attitude check???” Crew (In Unison): “I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!” CO: “Now, let’s be more positive…” Crew: “I POSITIVELY HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!” CO: “OK, How about a negative attitde check…” Crew: “I DON’T LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE!” CO: “OK, How about a short attitude check ..?” Crew: “FUCK THIS PLACE!”