Funny Jokes » Ouch

The guy leered at the babe at the yacht-club…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:20 +0000

The guy leered at the babe at the yacht-club. “Hey, baby, would you help me ‘raise my mast’?”"No thanks,” she said sweetly. “I heard about you from your ex and she included a ‘small craft’ warning.”

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:20 +0000

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said “I tookthe liberty of milking your cow this morning!” He then continues and says “it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly.” The uncle says with a confused look ” Um son we don’t have a cow…We have a bull!”

Changed my mind!

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:20 +0000

This bloke picks up woman at the local pub. They go for a romanticwalk down the street. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll hislustful desires rise to a fever pitch.He is just about to put the hard word on her when she says, “I hope you don’tmind but I’m busting to have a piss”.Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, “OK whydon’t you go behind these bushes”.She nods in agreement and disappears behind the bushes.As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rollingdown her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.Unable to contain himself for another moment, he reaches througha gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings hishand further up her thigh until suddenly he finds himself gripping a long,thick appendage hanging between her legs.He shouts in horror “My God, don’t tell me your really a bloke!”.”No” she replies”, “I’ve changed my mind, I’m having a shit instead.”

A dentis appointment

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:20 +0000

Two guys are susposed to meet at 4:30. Charley shows up at4:30 and waits. Finally, at almost 5:00, Paul shows up andCharley says, “Where have you been? You’re a 1/2 hour late.”Paul replies, “Sorry, I had to go to the dentist. My dick’sbeen hurting bad.”Charley says, “If your dick’s been hurting, why did you goto the dentist?”Paul answers, “Because I had a tooth stuck in it.”

A really bad, terrible mistake

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:20 +0000

Fred goes to a doctor and says, “Doc, I want to be castrated.” Doc says, “Look, I don’t know what kind of cult you’re into orwhat your motives are, but I’m not going to do that sort of operation.” Fred: “Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I’m a littleembarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here.Will you do it?” Doc says, “Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don’t understand it, but OK.” He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at thebedside when Fred wakes up. “Well, Doc, how’d it go?” Fred asks. “It went fine, just fine. It’s really not too difficult of anoperation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I wentahead and did that, too. I think, it’s really better for a man to becircumcised, and I hope you don’t mind my…” “CIRCUMCISED!” yells Fred. “THAT’S the word!!!”

What’s pink and slowly turns red?

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:20 +0000

What’s pink and slowly turns red?A baby chewing a razor blade.

A young girl sees her father in the shower…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:20 +0000

A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. “Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life,” he tells her, by way of poetic concealment.She tells this to her mother, who replies, “Did he say anything about that dead branch they’re hanging on?”

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:20 +0000

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. “don’t worry, ya ,” he said. “I’ll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping.” Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher’s voice boom over the public-address system: “Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store.”

Think quality

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:20 +0000

A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she had also castrated her husband, circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, and given a vicar a hair lip.And, there were still 5 shaves left!

The definition of a phallic symbol

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:20 +0000

This girl walks in to a doctors office and she asks “Whats a failic symbol?Doctor says “you’re kidding..”Girl says “no! I don’t know! Whats a failic symbol???”Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says “You see? This is afailic symbol!”Girl says “Oh! Its just like a penis, only smaller”