Funny Jokes » Ouch

Good fortune

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:20 +0000

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG ! He looks around: nobody’s there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG ! So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN ! Ok, the man thinks, let’s open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO ! Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE ! So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27 ! He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26. The deep voice says: SHIT !

A game of golf

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:20 +0000

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace.He sat down and asked his mate what happened.”Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough,” replied his friend.”Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I’d give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the chick and said, ‘Lady, does this look like yours?’ And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!”

The blind date had not been all that great and…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:20 +0000

The blind date hadn’t been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said “Hey! You wanna see my underwear?” Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn’t wearing any. She glanced down and said, “Nice design, does it also come in men’s sizes ?

St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:20 +0000

St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, “You were a good woman. I’m giving you a nice halo.”Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo.Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, “St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did no where near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?”St. Peter says, “That’s not a halo. That’s a steering wheel.”

Mirror, mirror

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:20 +0000

Mirror, mirror A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four”. Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: “Mirror mirror on the door, make my “manhood” touch the floor!”. Again, there’s a bright flash and both his legs fall off.

How did Captain Hook die?

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:20 +0000

Q: How did Captain Hook die?A: Jock itch.

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:20 +0000

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. Are you the landlord?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no” he replies. “Can you get him for me – I need to speak to him?” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. “I’m afraid I can’t” breathes the barman – clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?” “Yes there is. I need you to give him a message” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”

Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband’s penis…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:20 +0000

Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband’s penis. She was driving down the road, wondering what to do with it, when the thought struck her to toss it out the window. The penis bounced off the windscreen of the car travelling in the opposite direction.”Shit,” said the driver to his passenger. “What kind of bug was that?”"Dunno,” he replied. “But did you see the size of the cock on it?!”

A caring son

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:20 +0000

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. “Hey Willis!!” the farmer yelled. “Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I’ll help you get the wagon up.” “That’s mighty nice of you, ” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.” “Aw, come on,” the farmer insisted. “Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “But Pa won’t like it.” After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.” “Don’t be foolish !” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?” “Under the wagon.”

OUCH!

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:20 +0000

OUCH! A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused herto clamp down on the man’s member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.