Funny Jokes » Elderly

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:18 +0000

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body,he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.One morning he looks into the mirror and admires hisbody. he noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over,except his penis, and he decies to do something about it.He goes to the beach, strips completey and burries himselfin the sand, except for his penis sticking out of the sand.Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and onelooks down and says “There is no justice in this world”.The other lady says “What do you mean?”The first lady says “Look at that”.When I was 10 Yeras old I was afriad of it.When I was 20, I was curious about it.When I was 30, I enjoyed it.When I was 40, I asked for it.When I was 50, I paid for it.When I was 60, I prayed for it.When I was 70, I forgot about it.And now that I’m 80, the damn things are growing wild

What’s the best thing about turning 65?

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:18 +0000

What’s the best thing about turning 65?No more calls from insurance salesmen.

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:18 +0000

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holdingher hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do notintend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowingup in this high wind?”"Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!”said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down,then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down thereis 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

THERE WERE THREE OLD LADIES SITTING AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:18 +0000

THERE WERE THREE OLD LADIES SITTING AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE; GERTRUDE, SOPHIA, AND HARRIET. GERTRUDE SAID, “I THINK I’LL GO UPSTAIRS NOW AND TAKEA BATH.” SHE TOOK ALL HER CLOTHES OFF AS AS SHE WAS FILLING UP THE TUB, SHEHAD ONE FOOT IN THE TUB AND THE OTHER STILL OUTSIDE THE TUB. SHE SAID “WASI GOING INTO THE TUB, OR COMING OUT OF THE TUB?” SOPHIA AND HARRIET WERE DOWNSTAIRS CHATTING WITH EACH OTHER, WHEN SOPHIA SAID, “YOU KNOW, GERTRUDE’S BEEN UP THERE FOR QUITE A WHILE, I’D BETTER GO CHECK ON HER.” AS SHE WAS GOING UP THE STAIRS SHE STOPPED AND TURNED AROUND AND SAID, “WASI GOING UP THE STAIRS, OR COMING DOWN THE STAIRS?” HARRIET WAS LEFT SITTING AT THE TABLE BY HERSELF. AFTER SHE HEARD SOPHIA’S REMARK SHE SAID,”THANK GOODNESS I’M NOT THAT BAD KNOCK ON WOOD.” “WAS THAT THE FRONT DOOR OR THE BACK DOOR?”

Can’t do

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:18 +0000

“What’s wrong, sonny?” asked the old timer sympathetically, coming overto the little kid who was sitting on the curb, crying his heart out.”I’m crying ’cause I can’t do what the big boys do!” So the old man sat down and wept too.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don’t have babies…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:18 +0000

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don’t have babies.They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:18 +0000

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. Thedoctor says to the first man, “What is three times three?”"274,” was his reply.The doctor says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What isthree times three?” “Tuesday,” replies the second man.The doctor says to the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’sthree times three?” “Nine,” says the third man. “That’s great!” says the doctor. “How didyou get that?”"Simple,” says the third man. “I subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”

Amicable old lady

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:18 +0000

“Dear Reyer School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen’s luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It’s nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, so naturally I told her to go fuck herself. Sincerely, Edna Johnston”

Getting married

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:18 +0000

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?” The pharmacist answers, “Yes.” Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?” Pharmacist: “Of course we do.” Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?” Pharmacist: “All kinds.” Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?” Pharmacist: “Definitely.” Jacob: “How about Viagra?” Pharmacist: “Of course.” Jacob: “Medicine for memory?” Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.” Jacob: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?” Pharmacist: “Absolutely.” Jacob: “Perfect! We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts.”

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:18 +0000

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.”Don’t know,” the woman said.He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U- turn and drove up to them.”This is my husband,” the old woman said. “He doesn’t know how to get to Des Moines either.”