Funny Jokes » Situations

Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:10 +0000

Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward, “What’s wrong?What’s the emergency?”"Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have someterrible news for you. It’s disfigured.”"Well, how bad is it? Can I see?”"Follow me, sir.”They head down a restricted corridor and come to the firstdoor. Inside, in the respirator, is a newborn child without arms.Mister Smith is upset, “Oh my God! How terrible to be born this way!”The nurse interrupts, “No Mister Smith, that isn’t your child.Follow me, please.”They come to another room and there lies a newborn with no arms OR legs.Mister Smith cries, “Oh dear God! What could be worse than this?”"No mister Smith, that’s not your child. Follow me.”Next room down, Smith looks in. This kid is only a head. No body at all.”Oh my God! How awful! What could be worse than this?”"Not your child, sir. Follow me.”One more room left in the hall. Mister Smith forces himself toenter. There on a pillow is a single huge ear.”This is your child, Mister Smith.”Smitty goes nuts, “Oh Lord! What could possibly be worsethan this!? But…It’s still my son. I will talk to him, I will amuse him with bed-time stories. I will sing him lullabies…”"Sir, it’s deaf.”

The dentist was called away from the dinner table to…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:10 +0000

The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone call. It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten himself into quite a fix.”See, he was kissing his girlfriend, and when my wife and I came back from the movies we found them stuck together.”"I’ll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman,” said the dentist calmly, “and don’t worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers’ braces all the time.”Mr. Tuckerman whispered, “Yes, but from an IUD?”

Just after Lorenna Bobbitt brutally cut off her husband’s…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:10 +0000

Just after Lorenna Bobbitt brutally cut off her husband’s penis, she jumped into her car and sped away. On her way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the window. She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped away again. Meanwhile two potheads who were driving down the same highway happened to cross right by Lorenna just as she tossed it out the window and the penis hit their windshield smack dab in the middle. Stunned but still quiet the two locals drove on. About three miles down the road one pothead turned to the other and said, “Man, Did you see the size of the dick on the Mosquito?”

A dancing duck

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:10 +0000

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin’ and dealin’ they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn’t dance a single step!” “So?” asked the ducks former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”

An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:10 +0000

An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly hadto fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the airwith her deodorizer.Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator.He began to sniff.The Avon lady asked, “Do you smell something?”"Why, yes, I do,” he replied.”What does it smell like?”"Hmmm, I’m not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shitin a pine tree.”

Over the counter

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:10 +0000

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmartand asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, “Do you sell Viagra here?”The pharmacist answers firmly, “Yes, sir. We certainly do.”The man then asks, “Do you think I could get it over the counter?”The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, “Perhaps, if you took five or six pills at once you might.”

A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:10 +0000

A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn’t usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help. As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, “You know, you are the first pregnant woman I’ve ever helped out of a ditch”.”But I’m not pregnant,” she says.”Well you’re not out of the ditch yet,” he says.

A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:10 +0000

A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman. He asks, “Can I have a dozen condoms, Miss?” “Don’t Miss me, mister.” “Well then, you better make it 13.”

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:10 +0000

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspectit. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Veryembarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticedher little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at thatmoment. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.”Good day, how may we help you today?” Very uncomfortably, she asks,”Sir, how much does this rug cost?”He answers, “Lady if you farted just touching it, you’re gonna shit inyour pants when you hear what the price is.”

Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:10 +0000

Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. The chute emerged, tangled, and he cut it free. He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also was tangled. He prayed to his God and looked down to the ground below. To his amazement, a woman was coming up with equal velocity. “Hey, you know anything about parachutes?” he shoutedto her, as they passed by. The reply: “No… you know anything about Coleman stoves?”