Funny Jokes » Religion

A stupid dog

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:08 +0000

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member ofthe congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi,horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk toBernie.Rabbi: “What are doing here with a dog?”Bernie: “The dog came here to pray.”"Oh, come on.” says the Rabbi.”YES!” says Bernie.Rabbi: “I don’t believe you. You are just fooling around; that’s not aproper thing to do in temple.”Bernie: “Its true!”..”Ok”, says the Rabbi, “then show me what the dog can do.”"OK” says Bernie nodding to the dog…The dog proceeds to open up thebarrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on hishead) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! TheRabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the qualityof the praying he says to Bernie. “Do you think your dog would considergoing to Rabbinical school????”Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says,”YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!”

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:08 +0000

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?”"I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.”"I don’t mean that,” the priest responded. “I mean, are you preparedspiritually?”"Oh, sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”

Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:08 +0000

Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day.They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said thatthey were 4 for a dollar. The nuns said okay.The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers whenthere were only three of them.A nun answered back, “Well, we could alway eat one.”

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:08 +0000

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn’t concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice. “Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?”"Why reverend.” the young thing replied. All of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts.”"Hmm. Well let me check,” said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said. “I don’t hear any angels singing!”"Of course not reverend.” she said. Your not plugged in yet.”

A man was leaving church one day…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:08 +0000

A man was leaving church one day. The Pastor was standing at the door (as he always is) to shake hands with members of the congregation. He grasped the man by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him,”You need to join the Army of the Lord!”The man replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”He whispered back, “Shhhhhhhhh. I’m in the secret service.”

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:08 +0000

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equallyfundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog theyliked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their newfundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about “normal” tricks.Well, they said, “let’s try this out.”Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command,”Heel!”Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead,closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

What do you get when you cross a Jehova’s Witness…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:08 +0000

What do you get when you cross a Jehova’s Witnesswith a Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang member????Someone who comes to your door and tells *you* to fuck off!

There was this hooker who mistook a Salvation Army man for…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:08 +0000

There was this hooker who mistook a Salvation Army man fora soldier and propositioned him. The Salvation Army gent said, “Ma’am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of ‘original sin’?”The hooker replied, “Well, maybe and maybe not. But ifit’s “really” original, it’ll cost you an extra $20.”

An anti-bat spray

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:08 +0000

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, “Ya know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothingseems to scare them away. Another said, “Yea, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.” The third said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church… Haven’t seen one back since!”

Why wasn’t Jesus born in America?

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:08 +0000

Why wasn’t Jesus born in America?They couldn’t find 3 wise men and a virgin.