Funny Jokes » Computers

Human DNA Code (C) God

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:55 +0000

God’s Human DNA CodeFor many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that verylittle of an organism’s DNA seems to serve any useful function. I have solved the mystery. The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that therest of it is comments. Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin asfollows: ===/* HUMAN_DNA.H * * Human Genome * Version 2.1 * * (C) God */ /* Revision history: * * 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam. * 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve. * 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy — * will require a rewrite later on to make it neater. * 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from * elephant-dna.c * 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail. * 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case. * 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine. * 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements — skin colour made * darker to match my own image. * 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra ‘wisdom’ teeth. * Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate. * 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height. * 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population * density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem. * 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of * CD. */ /* Standard definitions */ #define SEX male#define HEIGHT 1.84#define MASS 68#define RACE caucasian /* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files. * * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper * inheritance features. */ #include “mother.h”#include “father.h” #infndef FATHER#warn(“Father unknown — guessingn”)#include “bastard.h”#endif /* Set up sex-specific functions and variables */#include /* Kludged code — I’ll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper * library sometime soon. */struct genitals {#ifdef MALE Penis *jt;#endif /* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */#ifdef FEMALE Vagina *p;#endif } /* Initialization bootstrap routine — called before DNA duplication. * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers */DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *); /* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE * * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism * to display at birth. * * Will be improved later to make output less ugly. */Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);=== …and so on. [ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]

The hunting season

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:55 +0000

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying “NERDS NOT ALLOWED — ENTER AT OWN RISK!” He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don’t even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season.” “Well, sure,” said the patrolman, “But you can’t bait ‘em.”

If Apple made toasters…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:55 +0000

If Apple made toasters…It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 yearsearlier. The toast would make a little smiley face at you whenit popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be alittle picture of a bomb burned onto it. If they break, thesetoasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools toeven open up. Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but allthe bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted onthe MacToaster.

What do you get when you cross a Jewish American Princess…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:55 +0000

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jewish American Princess with a computer?A: A computer that never goes down on you.

Mac vs. Etch-a-Sketch:

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:55 +0000

Mac vs. Etch-a-Sketch: You Decide __________ | ______ | ________ | | | || ______ | ‘But that isn’t a fair | | | ||| || comparison. People | |______| |||______|| like the Etch-A-Sketch.’ | || o o | | _ _ _ _ _||________| (|__________| | ________)_Roger Earl [^] | |roger_earl@outbound.wimsey.bc.ca [_] |__________|After admiring the above signature I thought I’d post a comparison,similar to the other great computer wars. Etch-A-Sketch Mac ClassicNo. of Colours 2 2Resolution ~2000*~2000 512 * 342No. of buttons 2 1Preemptive Multitasking Yes NoHardware line draw Yes NoPrice < $20 ~ $1000Power Consumption No YesLaptop Yes NoSlow Operating System No YesNon Volatile Memory Yes NoChoice of Coloured box Yes NoRobust design (shakeable) Yes NoAfter considering the above options, I decided to buy the Etch-A-Sketch.For all you die-hard Amiga fanatics out there rumour has it that theEtch-A-Sketch-Emulator is coming out for the Amiga, and will in factbe faster than the true E-A-S.

Subject: Gullibility Virus alert

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:55 +0000

TOP10.Subject: Gullibility Virus alert (fwd) ****************************************************************** WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE! Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet! ****************************************************************** WASHINGTON, D.C.–The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes. “These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers,” a spokesman said. “Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner.” However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet. “My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone,” reported one weeping victim. “I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous.” Another victim, now in remission, added, “When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true.” It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, “My name is Jane, and I’ve been hoaxed.” Now, however, she is spreading the word. “Challenge and check whatever you read,” she says. Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following: The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking; The urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others; A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true. D.S. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, “I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I’ve stopped using shampoo.” When told about the Gullibility Virus, D.S. said he would stop reading email, so that he would not become infected. Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community. Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is online help from many sources, including 2]Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability 3]Symantec Anti Virus Research Center 4]McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List 5]Dr. Solomons Hoax Page 6]The Urban Legends Web Site 7]Urban Legends Reference Pages 8]Datafellows Hoax Warnings Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evaluating sources, such as Evaluating Internet Research Sources at http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm Evaluation of Information Sources at http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax. ********************************************************************** This message is so important, we’re sending it anonymously! Forward it to all your friends right away! Don’t think about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don’t check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so important, we’re using lots of exclamation points! For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages all over creation, you’re obviously thinking too much.) **********************************************************************

Does DEC still make toasters?..

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:55 +0000

Does DEC still make toasters…? They made good toasters in the ’70s, didn’t they?

From Boyfriend to Husband upgrade

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:55 +0000

Dear Tech Support:Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that thenew program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules,limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operatedflawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled manyother valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirableprograms such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs andHouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3to fix these problems, but to no avail.–Desperate***************************************Dear Desperate,Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0is an operating system. Try to enter the command: “C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVEDME” and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run theapplications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can causeHusband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create “Snoring Loudly” wavefiles.DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. Insummary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memoryand cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additionalsoftware to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 andLingerie 5.3.–Tech Support

The Story of Micro and Mini

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:55 +0000

The Story of Micro and MiniMicro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-bandprotocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices,even if it meant time-sharing.One evening he arrived home, just as the Sun was crashing and had parked hisMotorola 6800 in the main drive (he missed the 5100 bus that morning ), whenhe noticed an elegant piece of hardware escorting her daisy wheels in hisgarden. He thought to himself, “She looks user-friendly,” “I’ll see if she’dlike an update tonight.”Mini was her name, and she was delightfull, engineered with eyes like COBOL anda Prime mainframe architecture that set Micro’s peripherals networking all overthe place.He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32 bit floatingpoint processors and inquired “How are you Honey Well?.” “Yes I am well,” sheresponded, batting her optical fibres engagingly and smoothing her console overher curvilinear functions.Micro settled for a straight line approximation. “I’m stand-alone tonight,” hesaid, “How about computing a vector to my base address?” “I will cut out a byteto eat, and maybe we could get an offset later on.”Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds then transmitted OK. “I’vebeen dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh mydisks. I’ll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside. Shewalked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, “Wow, what aglobal variable, I wonder if she’d like my firmware?.”They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and chips anda bucket of bawdots. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on ambiguousarguments while Micro gave occasional acknowlegments, although, in reality, hewas analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. Hefinally settled on the old “would you like to see my benchmark subroutine?” butMini was again one step ahead.Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the fullfunctionality of her operating software. “Let’s get Basic, you RAM,” she said.Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware polling module had a processorof it’s own and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer (a hang-up thatMicro had consulted his analyst about). “Core,” was all he could say, as sheprepared to log him off.Micro soon recovered, however, when he went down on the DEC and opened herdevice files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed rootdevice and was about to start pushing her CPU stack, when she attempted anescape sequence ….”No, No” she cried, “You are not shielded.”"Reset, Baby,” he replied, “I’ve been debugged.”"But I haven’t got my current loop enabled, and I can’t support childprocesses,” she protested.”Don’t run away,” he said, “I will generate an interrupt.”"No that’s too error prone, and I can’t abort because of my design philosophy.”Micro was locked in by this stage though, and could not be turned off. But Minisoon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply,whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.”Computers,” She thought as she compiled herself, “All they ever think of isHEX.”

Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:55 +0000

Microsoft Addresses Justice Department AccusationsREDMOND, Wash. – Oct. 23, 1997 — In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.”It’s actually a logical extension of our planned growth”, said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, “It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone”.