Funny Jokes » At Work

Welfare office

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:51 +0000

A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job. The man behind the counter replied, “Your timing is amazing. We’ve just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You’ll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided. You will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year.”. The young man said, “You’re bullshitting me, man!” The man behind the counter said, “Well, you started it!”

More than a hundred percent

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:51 +0000

Have you all stopped to think where you fit in this equation? From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here??s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26Then:H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%But,A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%And,B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:A-S-S??K-I-S-S-I-N-G1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = a whopping 118%!!!!So one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close and Attitude willget you there, Bullsh*t and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!

Holiday accomodations

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:51 +0000

Long, but really funny…from a Company in USA. DATE: October 01, 2003RE: Christmas Party I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty =============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 02, 2003 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other employees who are not C! hristians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty =============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 03, 2003 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alco! holics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.=============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: October 04, 2003 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’! s table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty =============================================================== FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Fucking Employees DATE: October 05, 2003 RE: The Fucking Holiday Party Vegetarian pricks I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!=============================================================== FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: October 06, 2003 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:51 +0000

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.”Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.” “Have you tried counting sheep?”"That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying tofind it.”

The owner of a small crossroads store in South Carolina…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:51 +0000

The owner of a small crossroads store in South Carolina was appointed postmaster. Over six months went by and not one piece of mail left towm. Deeply concerned, postal authorities in Washington wrote the postmaster to inquire why.They received this short and simple explantion: “The bag ain’t full yet.”

Downsizing

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:51 +0000

Boss: (to employee) Experts say that humor on the job relieves tension inthis time of down-sizing. Knock, knock.Employee: Who’s there?Boss: Not you anymore.

Mrs. Jones is having her house painted…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:51 +0000

Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comeshome from work and leans against the freshly painted wall. The next day, she says to the painter, “You wanna see wheremy husband put his hand last night?” He sighs and says, “Look, lady, I got a tough day’s work aheadof me. Why don’t you just make us a cup of tea?”

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:51 +0000

The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashierandwas down to two final applicants — one of which would get the job.The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstateNew York. A nice young man, but a bit timid.Then he called for the second man, “Jim Johnson!” Up stepped aburley young man who seemed quite sure of himself.”He looks like he cantake care of any situation,” thought the manager,and decided, there and then,to hire him. He turned to the firstapplicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.Turning to Johnson, he said, “Now Jim, I like the way you carryyourself — that’s an important asset for the job as cashier.However,you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out theplace on the application where we asked your formal education.”Jim looked a little confused so the manager said,”Where did you get your financial education?”"Oh,” replied Jim — “Yale.”"That’s very good … excellent. You’re hired!”"Now that you’re working for us, what do you prefer to be called?”Jim answered “I don’t care… Yim… or Mr. Yonson.”

Tough sell

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:51 +0000

Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesmanwas unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. “I certainly don’t want to frighten you into a decision,”he announced, standing up to leave … “Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in themorning, let me know what you think.”

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has…

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:51 +0000

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just takento work. The little girl asks, “I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?” Feeling his wife’s gaze upon him, the man explains, “Well, honey,my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like youwouldn’t believe, she knows the computer system and is veryefficient.” “Oh,” says the little girl, “I thought it was because she closedher eyes when you lay her down on the couch.”