Funny Jokes » Sex Jokes

Don’t ask any questions

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:47 +0000

A guy worked in an adult book store. One afternoon his friend walked in. The guy said, “Dude,thank goodness you showed up!” “I’m starving, and I need you to watch the counter for me for a few minutes, while I run across the street to get some lunch.”The friend looked around the store, then looked back at his friend oddly. The guy said, “Dude, don’t ask any questions, just sell it to em.” The friend said, “Ok”. So the guy left.A customer came in, and went up to the counter. She said, “I want a vibrator. What do you have?” The friend said, “We got red ones, white ones, black ones, big ones, little ones and medium sized ones.” The lady said, “I’ll take a little red one to carry in my bag.” He sold it to her. Another woman walked in. She approached the counter and said, “I would like a vibrator, what do you have?” The friend replied, “Red, black or white, large, medium or small. The woman asked, “Well, what about the red, white and black checkered one up there?” The friend said, “Well, I’ll sell it to ya if you want,” so she bought it. A few minutes later the guy came back from lunch and said, “Thanks Dude, you’re a life saver. So did you sell anything?” The friend said, “Yeah, I sold a little red vibrator and a thermos.”

The Coincidence

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:47 +0000

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron.He turned to her and said, “This is a special day, I’m celebrating.”"What a coincidence,” said the woman, “I’m celebrating, too”. She clinked glasses with him and asked, “What are you celebrating?”"I’m a chicken farmer,” he replied. “For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’refinally fertile.”"What a coincidence, the woman said. “My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I’mpregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?” she asked.”I switched cocks,” he replied.”What a coincidence,” she said.

Getting Down Under

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:47 +0000

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. “What happened?” she asks. “I’ve never been with a woman,” he says. “But if it’s anything like screwing a kangaroo I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”

Escaped Prisoner

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:47 +0000

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses heron the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he’ll kill us.Be strong, honey. I love you.”To which the wife responds, “He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.Be strong, honey, I love you, too.”

Two Nuns

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:47 +0000

There were two nuns…One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.SM: It’s not working.SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.Then Sister Logical arrives.SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me.SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.SM: And?SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.SM: Oh, no! What happened then?SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister?A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

The Costume Party

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:47 +0000

A man and his wife were supposed to go to a costume party together one Halloween, but when the time came to go the party, the woman told him to go on without her, because she said she had a terrible headache. The man reluctantly did, and the suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was. She put on a different costume and went to the party. When she got there she saw her husband dancing with a young girl in a sexy costume. Now, even more suspicious, she decided to really put him to the test. She danced with him and whispered that they should sneak into a bedroom. She insisted they leave the masks on and had sex with him. Fuming, she ran home to wait for his return. When he got there, she innocently asked if he’d had fun. He told her he hadn’t. After a few minutes at the party, he and some guys had gone across the street to play poker. He added, “The guy who borrowed my costume said he had a hell of a time, though!”

It’s Dark In Here

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:47 +0000

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?”"Yes it is,” the man replies.”You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks.”No thanks,” the man replies.”I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues.”OK. How much?” the man replies after considering the position he was in.”Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies.”TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeats. “That’s awful expensive”, but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.”It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” the boy starts off.”Yes it is,” replies the man.”Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks.”OK. How much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his dis-advantage.”Fifty dollars,” the boy replies and the transaction is completed.The next weekend, the little boy’s father says, “Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.”"I can’t. I sold them,” replies the little boy.”How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.”Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says.”SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,”the father explains as he hauls the child away.At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?”"Don’t you start that crap in here,” the priest says.

Three Brothers

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:47 +0000

There were three brothers who bought a three story house. The eldest brother had the top floor, the middle had the middle floor, and the youngest got the bottom floor.A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over his girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the noise they’d heard last night was. He replied, “Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl.”The middle brother was excited by that, so he brought over his girlfriend the next night. During that night, the two other brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last night was. He replied, “Click- turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl.”Now, the youngest brother was really excited. So he brought over his girlfriend, and that night, the older brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!In the morning, the older brothers asked him what the noise in his room was. So, he said, “Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-landed on the bedpost!

Marketing that Makes Sense

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:47 +0000

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense….You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Direct Marketing.You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, “He’s fantastic in bed.” That’s Advertising.You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Telemarketing.You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Public Relations.You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you’re fantastic in bed.” That’s Brand Recognition.

The Cruise

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:47 +0000

A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do. A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise. The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine’s and three condoms.Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day cruise. The guy said, “I’ll take it,” and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamine’s and two more condoms.The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day cruise. The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, “Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?”