Funny Jokes » Political Jokes

Stupid Funny Quotes

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:47 +0000

“Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.” –President Gerald Ford “My fellow astronauts…”–Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration. “Capital punishment is our society’s recognition of the sanctity of human life.”–Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty. “China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.”–Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President “I stand by all the misstatements.”–Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes “Gerald Ford was a Communist”–Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say ‘Congressman’. “Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C. “We found the term ‘killing’ too broad.”–State Department spokesperson on why the word ‘killing’ was replaced with ‘unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life’ in its human rights reports for 1984-5 “This is a great day for France!”–President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle’s funeral “This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected.”–California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood “It’s not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host.”–James Baker, televangelist. “The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated.”–Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland. “The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police.”–U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad. “What he does on his own time is up to him.”–Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child. “Facts are stupid things.”–Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.

140 Million Iraqis and 1 Blonde

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:47 +0000

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn’t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?”The barman says, “Yep, that’s them.”So the guy walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?”Bush says, “We’re planning WW III “.And the guy says, “Really? What’s going to happen?”Bush says, “Well, we’re going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits.”The guy exclaimed, “A blonde with big tits?”"Why kill a blonde with big tits?”Bush turns to Powell and says, “See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!”

Lying Politicians

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:47 +0000

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road, and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.The old farmer said he had buried them.The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”

New Ruling

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:47 +0000

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington DC this Christmasseason.This isn’t for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation’s capitol.There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Chief wants beer!

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:47 +0000

An American-Indian walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a 10-litre bucket of manure in the other. The Indian says to the bartender, “Me want Lager!”The bartender says, “Sure, Chief, coming right up.” He then serves the Indian atall glass of Tennents Lager. The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun. He then walks out.Five days later, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other.He struts up to the bar and tells the bartender, “Me want beer!”The bartender says, “Whoa there Chief, we’re still cleaning up from the last time you were here… What was that allabout, anyway?” he asked.The Indian explained, “Me training for job as government employee. Drink beer, shoot the shit, disappear for a few days, thencome back and see if somebody else has cleaned up the mess me left behind…..”

Osama Bin Laden joke

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:47 +0000

Why did Osama Bin Laden killwife number 37?Because he looked up her dressand saw bush…

Bill Clinton, a limo driver, and a pig

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:47 +0000

One day, Bill Clinton decided to go for a ride in his limo. He was tired of the city, so he told his limo driver to take him to the country.They drove around for hours, and it soon became late. The driver was geting rather tired and found it difficult to keep his eyes open.Suddenly, the limo hit a huge bump and and the two men heard a terrible scream.The limo driver stopped the car immediatly to see what had happened. Bill Clinton soon got out of the car also, to investigate. “What happened?!” asked Bill. “I ran over a pig,” replied his driver. Bill Clinton looked horrified. “Well go over to that farmhouse and tell them what you did. That pig could have been their’s.” So the driver walked over to the farmhouse and knocked on the door. Bill Clinton waited in the limo for nearly 2 and a half hours. Finally, the limo driver came back and got back into the car. Bill Clinton, infuriated that his driver had left him alone for so long, demanded to know where he had been. “Do you know how long you’ve been gone?! What happened up there?” he asked. The limo driver, happily confused, replied, “Those people up there threw me a huge party.” Bill Clinton, confused himself, asked, “What? Why?” The limo driver started up his car and answered, “I told them I was driving Bill Clinton around, and I ran over the pig.”

What did George W. Bush get on his S.A.T.’s

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:47 +0000

Q. What did George W Bush get on his S.A.T.’s? A. Drool.

Clinton and the Beer Cans

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:47 +0000

Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, “There’s one thing I want you to know. There’s a box under my bed, and I don’t want you to look in it until I die.” Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her, and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash. When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, “Well, those are for all the times I’ve cheated on you.” Hillary said, “Well, that’s not bad after all these years, and you being a politician, and traveling and all.” She was about to leave, but then she said, “Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars?” Bill replied, “That’s for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in.”

The 10 Commandments in Ebonics

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:47 +0000

1. I be God. Don’ be dissin me. 2. Don’ be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib. 3. Don’ be callin me for no reason – homey don’ play dat.4. Y’all betta be in church on Sundee. 5. Don’ dis ya mama…an if ya know who ya daddy is, don dis him neither. 6. Don’ ice ya bros. 7. Stick to ya own woman. 8. Don’ be liftin no goods. 9. Don’ be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies. 10. Don’ be eyein’ ya homie’s crib, ride, or nothin.