Funny Jokes » Lawyer Jokes

Lawyers on a jury

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:26 +0000

|A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly — after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, “Are they close to reaching a verdict?” The bailiff shook his head, and replied, “You’re honor, they’re still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman.”

Unfit words to hear

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:26 +0000

|A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. “Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them,” instructed the lawyer.The witness hesitated. “But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear,” she protested.”Then,” said the attorney, “just whisper them to the judge.”

Seashore with family

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:26 +0000

|A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted. “Darling, it was just a shark,” assured his wife when he came to. “You’ve got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere.”

Talk to the judge

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:26 +0000

|A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer’s tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge’s orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, “Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other.”"Your honor,” replied the lawyer, “That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?”

Newest horror movie

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:26 +0000

|Have you seen the current remake of the movie “Cape Fear?”It’s about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer.The question is, while watching the movie, for whom do you root?

History of lawyers

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:26 +0000

|Why God Created LawyersSatan was complaining bitterly to God, “You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I’m evil, but give me a break. Can’t you do something to make them stop blaming me?”And so God created lawyers.

Short legal laughs

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:26 +0000

|What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?1. How much money do you have?2. Where can you get more?3. Do you have anything you can sell? ——————————————————————————–Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?A: Only three. The balance are documented case histories. ——————————————————————————–There’s an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.——————————————————————————–Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.

Keep that a secret

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:26 +0000

|After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort. While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn’t seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a “burnout” in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. “Pete, it’s Joe. From high school. It’s sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself.”"I am,” whispered Pete. “I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don’t tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school, and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money.”

Give him an orange

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:26 +0000

|One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, “Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?” The student replied, “Here’s an orange.” The professor was livid. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!” The student then recited, “Okay, I’d tell him, ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…”

Halls of Justice

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:24:26 +0000

|A judge was annoyed to find that his car wouldn’t start. He called a taxi, and soon one arrived at his house.Climbing in, he told the driver to take him to the halls of justice. “Where are they,” asked the driver.”You mean to say that you don’t know where the courthouse is?” asked the incredulous judge.”The courthouse? Of course I know where that is.” replied the driver. “But I thought you said you wanted to go to the ‘halls of justice.’”