Funny Jokes » Computer Jokes

Tech Glossary

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:45 +0000

486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.State-of-the-art: Any computer you can’t afford. Obsolete: Any computer you own. Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3: Apple’s new Macs that make you say ‘Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.’ Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, “Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.” Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced ‘gooey’) Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

If Only Life Could Be Like A Computer

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:45 +0000

If you messed up your life, you could press “Ctrl, Alt, Delete” and start all over!To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.Hit “any key” to continue life when ready.To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.When you loose your car keys, click on find.”Help” with the chores is just a click away.Auto insurance wouldn’t be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.And, we could click on “SEND NOW” and a Pizza would be on it’s way to you.

Addicted To Computers

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:45 +0000

Ten ways to know that you’re addicted to your computer:- 10) When you begin to laugh you yell, LOL. 9) You tell your computer you love it, more than you tell your spouse. 8) Your house catches on fire and you run home to save your computer before your family. 7) Your computer is your ONLY friend. 6) You think cyber sex is better than real sex. 5) You type only in short hand (YO ROFLMAO I’LL BRB B4 U RTFM LOL). 4) You type 40 words a minute with two fingers. 3) Your twins are named RAM & ROM. 2) After breaking from your computer, you realize you have gained 40lbs, have grown hair in unusual places, your spouse and kids have left you, and Windows 3.1 is outdated. 1) YOU READ STUFF LIKE THIS!

Colombian computer joke

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:45 +0000

Why did a group of Columbians run away from a computer lab.Because the computer said you have performed an illegal operation and will be shutdown.

Now thats lazy!

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:45 +0000

My son is so lazy he hates emptying the trash in the recycle bin on his computer.

Program Manager

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:45 +0000

A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof — out pops a genie.”Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you.”The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, “I’d like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew.”"It is done”, said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.The software engineer thinks a moment and says, “I’d like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest.”"It is done”, said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, “I’d like those two back in the office after lunch.”

Things You Don’t Want Your System Admin To Say

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:45 +0000

Things You Don’t Want Your Sysadmin To Say1. Uh-oh…2. Oh S***!3. What the heck?!?4. Go get your backup tape. (You DO have a backup tape?)5. That’s SOOOOO bizarre.6. Wow!! Look at this…7. Hey!! The Suns don’t do this.8. Terminated?!?9. What software license?!?10. Well, it’s doing SOMETHING…11. Wow…that seemed fast…12. I got a better job at Lockheed…13. Management says…14. Sorry, the new equipment didn’t get budgeted.15. What do you mean that wasn’t a copy?16. It didn’t do that a minute ago…17. Where’s the GUI on this thing?18. Damn, and I just bought that Coke…19. Where’s the DIR command?20. The drive ate the tape but that’s OK, I brought my screwdriver.21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there’s LOTS of free space.22. What’s this “any” key I’m supposed to press?23. Do you smell something?24. What’s that grinding sound?25. I have never seen it do THAT before…26. I don’t think it should be doing that…27. I remember the last time I saw it do that…28. You might as well all go home early today…29. My leave starts tomorrow.30. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)31. Hmm, maybe if I do this…32. Why is my “rm -R *” taking so long?”33. Hmmm, curious…34. Well, MY files were backed up.35. What do you mean you needed that directory?36. What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?38. I didn’t think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.39. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?40. We’re standardizing on AIX.41. Wonder what THIS command does?42. What did you say your (1)user name was…?

Computer Crashed

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:45 +0000

My computer crashed and died today And I thought, “oh well what the hey” Now I’d have time to clean my house And see if I still had a spouseIt started out with weird frustrations Combined with mild heart palpitations And then my ankles began to swell Withdrawal symptoms from no AOLChills ran up and down my spine Oh, God I had to get on-line To greet my buds and check my mail I began to feel helpless and frailThen I remembered the Good Guy’s Store And all those computers by the door I’d go there and when alone With no one looking I’d sign-onI stepped up to a computer, clicked on AOL The Sign-On screen came up, man it sure looked swell I clicked on the Guest name, then came the modem soundI was having cold-sweats, as my heart began to poundThen I typed my password, and the computer said, “Goodbye” And that’s what I kept hearing each time that I would try. This was just an evil plot, the store was playing tricks If only they had known how bad I need my AOL fixI …slowly… typed… my… password… then…I… stood….and…waited The darned thing said , “Goodbye” again and I got real frustrated That’s when I shoved the keyboard thru the monitor screen And the last thing I remember is my loud shrieking screamWhen I woke I was handcuffed being booked I think I asked the data entry cop, if he’d get me a drink Now I’m sitting in his chair, and I know I can get well If I can just use his computer to sign on AOL.

Microsoft ad space

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:45 +0000

Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. “We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a “general protection fault” or “illegal operation” warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it,” said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror. The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages.

Internet Test

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:23:45 +0000

Have you been spending more and more time using the Internet? Have your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from over-exposure to your computer monitor? How do you know if you’re addicted to the Net and losing touch with reality? Take the Net Addict’s Reality Test.Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your score to see if you should be concerned:What do you think are good names for children?a) Scott and Jenny.b) Bill Gates IV.c) Mozilla and Dotcom. What’s a telephone?a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others.b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys.c) Something you plug into a modem. Which punctuation is most correct?a) I had a wonderful day!b) I had a **wonderful** day!!!c) I had a wonderful day You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to:a) Visit the washroom.b) Raid the fridge.c) Check your E-mail. What are RAM and ROM?a) A male sheep and a city in Italy.b) Hulking stars of the WWF.c) I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter. To avoid a virus you should:a) Stay away from people who sneeze and cough.b) Never read E-mail titled “Good Times”.c) Use virus scanning software every time you boot up. When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:a) Ask friends where to purchase it.b) Check out the Yellow Pages.c) Go to Yahoo! When you don’t understand how to use a new appliance you:a) Call the retailer.b) Call the manufacturer’s toll-free number.c) Visit the manufacturer’s Web site and look for the FAQ. When you want to see all the beautiful people you:a) Visit a club on a Saturday night.b) Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch.c) Check out the alt.binary newsgroups. How do you introduce yourself at a party?a) Hi, I’m Jane!b) Hi, I’m a Taurus on the cusp.c) Hi, I’m a 5’10″ hot blonde with a super bod. When you’re interested in someone at a party you say:a) Tell me more about yourself.b) What’s your star sign?c) What’s your Profile? If you really like the person, you say:a) Could you tell me your phone number?b) What’s your E-mail address?c) Let’s chat Private. When I say spam, you think:a) Ham in a can.b) Unsolicited advertising E-mail.c) I mailbomb all spammers! When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say:a) I don’t need another mug coaster.b) Great! I’ll reformat and use it for backups.c) Great! I’ll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours. When you want to research a reference you:a) Open up a volume of your encyclopedia.b) Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive.c) Go to www.altavista.digital.com. When you write a letter you:a) Put pencil to paper.b) Open Eudora.c) Ask: What’s a letter? Is it like E-mail? Different types of text formatting include:a) Writing and printing.b) Underline and double-strike.c) Bold and italic. You correct errors using:a) An eraser.b) White-out.c) Backspace or delete. You sign your name:a) Best regards, John Smith.b) See you in IRC, John_Smith.c) Check out my home page for the cool links, johnsmith@aol.com. To keep a copy of your letter you:a) Insert a carbon and a second sheet.b) Take it to the photocopier.c) Check your Sent Mail folder.SCORING:Give yourself zero points for each “a” response, five for each “b” and 10 for each “c”.If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log more hours in real life. If you scored between 50 and 145, you’re living a good mix of Net and reality. If you scored under 50, you probably didn’t read this far.