Funny Jokes » admin

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:32:36 +0000

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.10. “Sorry I’m a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore.”9. “Show me how you used to spank her.”8. “Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter.”7. “Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?”6. “I just got my license today.”5. “I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped memature.”4. “Five bucks says she’s a D-cup.”3. “Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?”2. “Hi. I’m Robert, but my friends call me ‘Back Door Bob.’”1. “So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?

The Cremation

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:32:36 +0000

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down nextto the grieving widow. “How old was your husband?” he asked.”He was ninety-eight,” she answered softly. “Two years older than Iam.”"Really?” the undertaker said. “Hardly worth going home, wouldn’tyou say?”

The pop machine.

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:32:36 +0000

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. “Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?” She looked at him and indignantly replied: “Well Duhhh!, I’m still winning”

The Unhappy Nun

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:32:36 +0000

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company’s complaint department to ask for help.”The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.”, said the nun.”Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.”, said the company spokeswoman.Mother superior then observed, “I think the term they actually use is ‘fucking shovel!’”.

Two Rednecks

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:32:36 +0000

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said “lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a poll-ice roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!” Don’t worry, Bubba”, Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat”. “What fer?”, asked Bubba. “Just let me do the talkin’, OK?”, said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinkin’?” “No, sir”, said Earl. “We’re on the patch”!

FBI Agent for Hire

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:32:36 +0000

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said “To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.” The man took the gun, hesitated, and said “Sorry, I can’t do it.”The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said “To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.” The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. “Sorry,” he said.The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said “To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.” The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming. The man came out of the room and said “Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!”

The Gay in the Bar

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:32:36 +0000

A gay guy walks into a bar and says “bartender give me a brewskie.”The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.”The gay continues, “I’ll just sit in the corner and drink my beer and won’t say anything.”The bartender says, “Well, all right!” and pours a beer.A while later a cowboy walks in and says “Bartender give me a beer! I’m so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a cow’s balls” A voice is heard from the corner. “Moo! Moo! Buckaroo!”

Blonde on Horseback

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:32:36 +0000

A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, butshe slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

Jesus meets Joseph

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:32:35 +0000

St. Peter has a day-off from his duties at the gates to Heaven and Jesus is standing in for him. Whilst ‘booking-in’ the new arrivals Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems familiar. When this man gets to the front of the queue Jesus asks him his name.”Joseph” is the reply, which makes Jesus more inquisitive.”Occupation?” is the next question, the reply being “Carpenter”.Jesus is now getting quite excited.In quite a state Jesus asks “Did you have a little boy?”, the answer is “yes”.”Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?” asks Jesus, “Yes” comes the reply. Jesus looks at the old man in front of him and with a tear in his eye shouts “FATHER, FATHER”?!The old man looks puzzled and after a moment replies…. “Pinnochio?”

The elephant’s trunk transplant

admin — Sat, 02 Nov 2013 04:32:35 +0000

Jack goes to the doctor and says “Doc I’m having trouble getting mypenis erect, can you help me?”After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, “Well theproblem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penisare damaged. There’s really nothing I can do for you except ifyou’re willing to try an experimental treatment.”Jack asks sadly, “What is this treatment?” “Well,” the doctorexplains, “what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of ababy elephant and implant them in your penis.”Jack thinks about it silently then says, “Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go forit.”A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light touse his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for hisgirl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in thecity. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legsthat continued to the point of being uncomfortable.To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediatelysprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed adinner roll and then returned to his pants.His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile,”That was incredible! Can you do that again?”Jack replied, “Well, I guess so, but I’m not sure I can fit anotherdinner roll up my ass!”